DRUNKEN JOKES

DRUNKEN STATS

Ten per cent of all accidents are caused by people who drink. So it becomes logical conclusion that the other ninety per cent are caused by people who do not drink. Why can't non-drinking drivers stay off the roads and make way for the drunk?
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POOR HUBBY

Wife: What do you mean by coming home half drunk?

Husband: Sorry, sweetie, but I ran out of money. Or else I would have come fully drunk.
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PRICEY DRINK

Drunk: Aw, let me alone. Nobody cares if I drink myself to death.

Host: I do. You are using my liquor.
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SHAKEN DRUNK

" Oh, doctor, my hands won't stop shaking. "

" Do you drink a lot? "

" No, doctor. I spill most of it. "
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WIFEY CLONE

The drunk husband tried to embrace his wife, but she pushed him away.

" Excuse me, madam, but I thought you were my wife, " the man mumbled.

" You are a fine husband to have, " the woman replied. " Just look at you - a clumsy, drunken disgusting brute."

"Good heavens!" exclaimed the drunk. "Not only you look like my wife, you even talk like her."
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BREATHLESS

A temperance worker speaking outside a bar met a man coming out of the door, exuding alcohol fumes. She put a hand on his arm and said, "If you arrive at the gates of Heaven with your breath smelling of liquor, do you think St Peter will let you in?"

"My dear good lady," said the man. "When I go to Heaven, I expect to leave my breath behind."
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OPENING HITCH

The telephone rang in the offices of the Alcoholic Anonymous. "I need help," said a drunken voice at the other end. "Right at this minute I am sitting in a room with 40 bottles of wine all around me."

"How can we help you?" asked the A.A. man.

"I thought you might be able to put me on to one of your members who has a spare corkscrew he is not using anymore." said the man.
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HURRY 'N' BURY

A drunk motorist was caught for speeding. "What's the tearing hurry," asked the traffic cop.

"I am too drunk to drive safely," explained the driver. "So I am hurrying home before I caused an accident."
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