RUGGED FART

A lady is on holiday in Turkey when she stumbles upon an exotic rug shop. Upon entering she finds it has some of the finest rugs she has ever seen, particularly a large center piece which hangs on the main wall. The lady loves it and promptly goes over to inspect further. After admiring it's workmanship she decides to test the quality and bends down to feel the corner, as she does this she accidentally lets slip a very loud fart!

Embarrassed by her mishap, she quickly looks round to make sure there is no-one about. Just at that moment a Turkish salesman appears from behind one of the stands.

"Can I help you ma'am?" he asks the rather startled woman.

"Oh yes sir you can," she replies, hoping there is no odor. "I just love this rug," she exclaims, "it's the best I have ever seen, can you tell me how much it is?"

The salesman pauses, and rubs his chin... "Well madam, this is the finest rug in the land, hand crafted by the country's top rug weavers, and let me tell you this, if you farted by merely touching it, you're going to shit yourself when you hear the price.
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GASSY CARPET

A lady is on holiday in Turkey when she stumbles upon an exotic rug shop. Upon entering she finds it has some of the finest rugs she has ever seen, particularly a large center piece which hangs on the main wall. The lady loves it and promptly goes over to inspect further. After admiring it's workmanship she decides to test the quality and bends down to feel the corner, as she does this she accidentally lets slip a very loud fart!

Embarrassed by her mishap she quickly looks round to make sure there is no-one about. Just at that moment a Turkish salesman appears from behind one of the stands....

"Can I help you m'am?" he asks the rather startled woman.

"Oh yes sir you can," she replies, hoping there is no odor, "I just love this rug," she exclaims, "it's the best I have ever seen, can you tell me how much it is?"

The salesman pauses, and rubs his chin... "Well madam, this is the finest rug in the land, hand crafted by the country's top rug weavers, and let me tell you this, if you farted by merely touching it, you're going to shit yourself when you hear the price.
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FOSSIL FUEL FART

Dave  and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked  as  aircraft  mechanics in Melbourne, Australia.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in  the

hangar  with nothing to do.

Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had  something to drink!'

Jim  says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel  and  get  a  buzz.

You  wanna try it?'  

So  they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane  booze  and  get completely smashed.  

The  next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good  he  feels.

In  fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side  effects.

Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim.  Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel  this  morning?'

Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'

Jim  says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a  hangover?'  

Dave  says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover,  nothing.  We  ought to do this more often..'

' Yeah, well there's just one  thing.'  

'What's  that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.'

'Well,  DON'T - cause I'm in New  Zealand  '  

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A FARTY TALE

Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan where he quickly rose to the top of his field. Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town.

He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall!  He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, intending never to be seen in his home town again.  However, decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of darkness. The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?"

Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away."

"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.

"Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but to tell you the truth an embarrassing thing happened, and since then I've been too ashamed to return."

The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident, too. Was it a long time ago?"

"Yes, many years."

The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"

OF FARTS AND BALLS

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew...
"They won't let me fart."
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99% of women are beautiful. The remaining 1% are in my office.
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Why football is played for 45 minutes in each half?

Those who thought of this must have lots of time Why people play football for 45 minutes, not 30 minutes or 1 hour? Even the sports scientist and some of the senior players could not give the right answer. In that confusing situation one person came up with a reasonable answer.

He said........" The reason people play this game for 45 minutes is...

There are 2 teams and there are 11 players in each team = 22 players. Each player brings his own "2 balls" So in total there are 44 balls. There is one ball on the ground itself. Thus the grand total is 45.
Question Answered !!!

Sometimes there is extra time of 2 mins; these are the referee's balls
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FART BEFORE THE COURSE

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up eating beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside, I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand.

With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the dinner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas. Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: 'Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.' He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill.

I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than stinking cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.

He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: 'Happy Birthday!' I nearly died!
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