RELIGEOUS DIVIDE

A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.

"Hello," said the little boy.

"Hi," replied the little girl.

"Where are you going?" asked the little boy.

"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home," answered the little girl.

"Me too," replied the little boy. "I'm also on my way home from church."

"Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy.

"I go to the Baptist church back down the road," replied the little girl. "What about you?"

"I go to the Catholic church back at the top of the hill," replied the little boy.

They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together.

They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.

"If I get my new Sunday dress wet my Mom's going to skin me alive," said the little girl.

"My Mom'll tan my hide too if I get my new Sunday suit wet," replied the little boy.

"I tell you what I think I'll do," said the little girl. "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across."

"That's a good idea," replied the little boy. "I'm going to do the same thing with my suit."

So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet.

They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on when the little boy finally remarked, "You know, I never did realize before just how much difference there really is between a Baptist and a Catholic."
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THE GREAT FALL

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well,everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.

About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about. Your wife fell FOUR TIMES this week.
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TRUTHFUL PRIEST

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday." It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'"

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked,

"Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next  please!"
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FUNNY PHILOSOPHY

I read an article that said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish things you've started. It is definitely working for me. I am now making a point of always finishing what I start, and I think I am well on my way toward finding inner peace. Because I care for you, I am passing this wisdom on to you.

Today I finished:

two bags of potato chips,
a strawberry cheesecake,
a package of Oreos,
a bottle of wine and
a small box of chocolates.
a six pack .
I feel better already. Pass this along to anyone who needs Inner Peace.
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The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What's that, a bonus?

I think the life cycle is all backwards.

You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out because you're too young, you get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities. You become a little baby, you go back into the womb, spend your last nine months floating and you finish off as an orgasm!
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THE LURE OF FLESH

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:

   












He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and he drives on without second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which says:

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real.... Then he drives past a third sign saying:

   











His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

  











He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

The man is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

 

















© Sign Posts Created By K J Shenoy


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STANDING JOKE

A couple preparing for a religious conversion meets with the orthodox rabbi for their final session. The rabbi asks if they have any final questions.

The man asks, "Is it true that men and women don't dance together?"

"Yes," says the rabbi, "For modesty reasons, men and women dance separately."

"So I can't dance with my own wife?"

"No."

"Well, okay," says the man, "but what about sex?"

"Fine," says the rabbi. "A mitzvah within the marriage!"

"What about different positions?" the man asks.

"No problem," says the rabbi.

"Woman on top?" the man asks.

"Why not?" replies the rabbi.

"How about doggie-style?"

"Of course!"

"Well, what about standing up?"

"NO!" says the rabbi....

"Why Not???" asks the man.

"Could lead to dancing!"
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DANGEROUS FRIDAY

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with a demon.

Demon: Why so glum?

Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.

Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here... You a drinkin' man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers,... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!

Guy: Gee that sounds great.

Demon: You a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it!

Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! If you get cancer no biggie --you're already dead, remember?

Guy: Wow...that's.... awesome!

Demon: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Demon: Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well you're dead anyhow.

Demon: You into drugs?

Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...

Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose .. . that's right you're dead - who cares!

Guy: Wow! I never realized Hell was such a swinging' place!

Demon: You gay?

Guy: No.....

Demon: Ooooh, then you're gonna hate Fridays.
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JESUS! WHERE ARE YOU?

A drunk stumbles upon a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.

He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says,

"Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher... I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.

"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.

"Nooo, I haven't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says,

"Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"Noooo, I have not Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone,

"My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher ...

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
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HEAVENLY HUMOR

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were tragically involved in a fatal car accident.

They then find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them to Heaven.  While waiting, they begin to wonder:  Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.  St. Peter said, 'I don't know. But this is the first time anyone has asked this question. So let me go find out,' and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited.  Two months passed and the couple are still waiting.

As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all...  

'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered, 'Are we stuck together forever?'

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.  'Yes,' he informs them "you can get married in Heaven."

'Great!' said the couple, "....but we were just wondering, what if things don't work out?.... Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.    What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.

'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here!  Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?!'
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A milkman and a lawyer died in one accident. Both were taken to the heaven. They met St Peter at the Pearly Gate. Later, St Peter took them to their homes, where they were expected to spend all of eternity.

They got into St. Peter's holy vehicle and headed down a gold road, which turned into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road, paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turned to the lawyer and said, "Son, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know." Lawyer happily thanked St. Peter and went inside the mansion.

Then, St. Peter took the milkman to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and on an unpaved footpath to a shack.
St Peter to milkman said, "Here you go"

When St Peter was about to leave, the milkman caught his leg and asked, "Why the hell did the lawyer get the big mansion and I got this shack?"

St. Peter retorted: "Well, milkmen are a dime a dozen here, but we have never had a lawyer before.
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CHURCH FAUX PAS

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

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The Fasting & Prayer Conference
includes meals.

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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks
on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale...
It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.
Bring your husbands.

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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help..

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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM -
prayer and medication to follow.

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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

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HUMOUR IN CHURCH

GREAT EARNER

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.The first boy says, "My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, and they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
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GAS RELEASED

A nun was walking in the convent when one of the Fathers noticed she was gaining a little weight. "Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?", he asked."Oh no, Father. Just a little gas." Sister Susan explained, matter-of-factly.

A month or so later the Father noticed that she had gained even more weight. "Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?", he asked again."Oh no, Father. Just a little gas." She replied again.

A few months later the Father noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carriage in the convent.He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said -"What a cute little fart!"
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ANON WORSHIPER

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
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TANKED PRAYER

A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a grave side committal service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends.The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns.

He arrived a half-hour late, the hearse was nowhere in site, and the workmen were eating lunch.The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service.

As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say, "Maybe we'd better tell him it's a septic tank."
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