FREEBIES ON THE HOUSE

A Scotsman, an Englishman and a Newfoundlander were sitting in a bar in Toronto. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.

"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he will buy the fifth drink for you."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, that's nothin'," said the Newfie. "Back home in Sin Jahn's there's the Codfish Bar. The moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately shout down the Newfie's claims, but he swears every word is true.

"Well," said the Englishman, still suspicious. "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Newf. "But it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
*******************************************************

ONE MORE DROP

The local bar was so sure its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time, including the professional wrestlers and bodybuilders, but nobody could do it. One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing a tie and a pair of pants hiked up past his belly button.

He said in a squeaky annoying voice, "I'd like to try the bet." Even the hillbilly chicks burst into laughter.

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "Ok," grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What did you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, weight lifter, or what?"

The man replied, "I work for the Income Tax Department."
******************************************************************************

FIG LEAF AND BEER

Nun At Hooters

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.' Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'

'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause! She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'

'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?'

'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.

'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'Every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?'
 ***********************************************************************

Abstain To Drink

Banta Singh walks into a bar in London, orders 3 glasses of beer and sits in the backyard of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more.

The bartender asks him: "You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the glass; it would taste better if you buy one at a time."

Banta Singh replies: "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Dubai , the other in Canada and I'm here in London. When they left home, we promised that we'll drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."

The bartender admits this is a nice custom and leaves it there.

Banta Singh became a regular in the bar and would always drink the same way. He'd order 3 Beers and drink them in turn.

One day, he came in and ordered only 2 Beers. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says: "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my sincere condolences on your great loss!"

Banta Singh looked confused for a moment, and then he laughs. "Oh, no!" he said. "Everyone's fine; both my brothers are alive. The only thing is, I have quit drinking"!!!
*************************************************************************

FRENCH WINERY HUMOR

In a reputed old winery in France, the regular taster died, so the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away, so his pretty young secretary suggested that they put him through a series of tough tests.

They gave him a glassful of wine and asked him what he thought of it. The ragged drunkard sipped it and said, "It's a white wine, a Sauvignon, three years old, grown on a northern slope, matured in steel containers."

"That's correct," said the astounded director. "Now try this one."

"It's a red wine again, cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels."

"Correct!" The director was astonished. He was now desperate to get rid of this pest, so he winked at his secretary to suggest something tricky. She brought in a glass of urine and handed it to the drunkard.

The alcoholic sipped it, frowned, swirled it around his mouth a bit, and then announced, "It's a blonde, 26 years old, mild diabetes, pregnant in the second month, and if you don't give me the job, I'll tell you who the father is."

*****************************************************************