TRUE POISON

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have, or will, eat it. Would anyone care to guess what food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

He noticed one man in the front row nodding knowingly.

"Yes?" the doctor says, asking the man to speak aloud.

The man replied, in a loud voice: "Wedding cake."
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THE WRONG CHOICE

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband Bill was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs.

Bill was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw Bill wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" Bill asked.

"Yes, I do," she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember."

"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or spend twenty years in jail'"

"Yes, I do," she said.

Bill wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know . . .had I accepted his other option, I would have gotten out today."
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UNFORGETTABLE BIRTHDAY

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy birthday!", and possibly have a present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."

I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids came into breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane said, "Good morning, boss, Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "Thanks Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and i enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"

She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back."

"OK." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake... Followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.
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STANDING JOKE

A couple preparing for a religious conversion meets with the orthodox rabbi for their final session. The rabbi asks if they have any final questions.

The man asks, "Is it true that men and women don't dance together?"

"Yes," says the rabbi, "For modesty reasons, men and women dance separately."

"So I can't dance with my own wife?"

"No."

"Well, okay," says the man, "but what about sex?"

"Fine," says the rabbi. "A mitzvah within the marriage!"

"What about different positions?" the man asks.

"No problem," says the rabbi.

"Woman on top?" the man asks.

"Why not?" replies the rabbi.

"How about doggie-style?"

"Of course!"

"Well, what about standing up?"

"NO!" says the rabbi....

"Why Not???" asks the man.

"Could lead to dancing!"
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THE WIFEY THING

Why are wives more dangerous than the Mafia? The mafia wants either our money or life... The wives want both!

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Marriage is like a public toilet Those waiting outside are desperate to get in & Those inside are desperate to come out.

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No Man Can Ever Be Satisfied
with 4 things in life.
(1) Mobile
(2) A utomobile
(3) TV
(4) Wife
Because there is always a better model in neighborhood.

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Searching these keywords on Google 'How to tackle wife?' Google search result, 'Good day sir, Even we are searching'.

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Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right. It only means that the safety of your head is much more important than your ego!

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Imagine living with 3 wives in one compound and never leaving the house for 5 years.Osama Bin Laden must have called the US Navy Seals himself!

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Whisky is a brilliant invention. One double and you start feeling single again.

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A friend recently explained why he refuses to get to married. He says the wedding rings look like miniature handcuffs.

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It takes thousand workers 2 build a castle, Million soldiers to protect a country, but just One woman 2 make a Happy Home --------- A Good Maid!

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Funny quote on a husband's T-Shirt:
All girls are devils,
but my wife is the queen
--
--
--
--
--
--
of them
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HOTSHOT HUBBY

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped  at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before
they could find a place to turnaround, in order to return to the restaurant
to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, andscolded  his wife relentlessly during theentire  return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. Hejust  wouldn't let up for a single minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.   As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieveher  glasses, the old geezer yelled to her: 

"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."

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JOHNNY IN CAR

I was a very happy person.                        

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me .. it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini-skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts.

It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car!
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MARRY ME, PLEASE

Reply to an online Matrimonial from a South Asian man

Madam:

I am an young uncle living only with myself in a big city. Having seen your advertisement for marriage purposes, I decided to press myself on you and hope you will take me nicely.

I am a spoiled son from inside our province. I am nice and big, six foot tall and six inches long. My body is filled with hardness, as because I am working hardly. I am playing hardly also. Especially I like cricket and I am a good batter and I am a fast baller. Whenever I come running in for balling, other batters start running. Everybody is scared of my rapid balls that bounce a lot.

I am very nice man. I am always laughing loudly at everyone. I am jolly. I am gay. Especially ladies, they are saying I am nice and soft. I am always giving respect to the ladies. I am always allowing ladies to get on top. That is how nice I am. I am not having any bad habits. I am not drinking and I am not sucking tobacco or anything else. Every morning I am going to the Jim and I am pumping like anything. Daily I am pumping and pumping. If you want you can come and see how much I am pumping the dumb belles in the Jim.

I am having a lot of money in my pants and my pants is always open for you. I am such a nice man, but still I am living with myself only. What to do? So I am taking things into my own hands everyday. That is why I am pressing myself on you, so that you will come in my house and take my things into your hand.

If you are marrying me madam, I am telling you, I will be loving you very hard every day. In fact, I will stop pumping dumb belles in the Jim. If you are not marrying me madam and not coming to me, I will press you and press you until you come. So I am placing my head between your nicely smelling feet and looking up with lots of hope.

I am waiting very badly for your reply and I am stiff with anticipation.

Expecting soon,
Yours and only yours
Mr C W, born by mother in village and become big in big city.
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WEDGED IN WEDDED LIFE

HUSH TALK
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Then one day the man realised that he needed his wife to wake him at 5.00 am to catch an early flight. Not wanting to be the first one to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me up at 5.00 am."

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover that it was 9.00 am, and that he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed which read, "It is 5.00 am; wake up."
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REGRETS
A husband was heard to confess that in the early months of his marriage he was so much in love with his wife that he wanted to eat her. And as the years rolled by, he increasingly regretted that he had not.
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SAVED BY WEATHER
Rekha screamed at her husband for over 20 minutes. Finally, he exclaimed, "That's it! I am fed up. I am leaving!"

"Oh!" cried the wife. "Where are you going?"

"Where I will never bother you again," replied the husband. "A place far away from here. A place in the jungles where I will not bother about life or death. Or into the stormy seas....."

He opened the door and looked out. Then he shut it and said, "It is lucky for you that it is raining. I have deferred my plans."
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HAPPY NEWS
"I am afraid Mrs Prabhu, your husband will never be able to work again," said the doctor sadly.

"I'll go in and tell him. It might cheer him up," replied Mrs Prabhu.
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BETTER (H)EAR
Wife(whispering in her husband's ear): Darling, may I have Rs 500 for a sari?

Husband: I can't hear so well in that ear, dear. Please come around to the other side.

Wife(into the other ear): Honey, may I have Rs 1000 to buy a sari?

Husband: Come around to the Rs 500 side again.
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