IRISH HUMOR

Wrong Weapon

Into a Dublin pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.


"What happened to you?" asks Robert, the bartender.   


"Jamie McConnough and me had a fight," says Paddy.


"That little shit, McConnough," says Sean, "he couldn't do that to you,   he must have had something in his hand."


"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."


"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"


"That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. McConnough's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
*********************************************************************************

 Half Baby

'Wake up,' said Murphy. 'The baby's crying. It wants feeding.'

'Well, you feed it,' said his wife. 

'It's your son.' 

'Yes,' spluttered Murphy. 'But he's half yours.' '

I know,' smiled the missus. 'But it's your half that's crying!'

************************************************************************

ELDERLY HUMOUR

An elderly gentleman...

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years.. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

*******************************************************************

Two elderly gentlemenfrom a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
*********************************************************************

HUMOR IN MANY FORMS

Teacher to girl:Why are you late?

Girl: One boy was following me sir.

Teacher: So what?

Girl : The boy was walking very slow sir!
*******************************************************************
Q: Why do women live longer than men?

A: Because shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does!
********************************************************************
Yoga teacher to a woman: Has yoga any effect over your husband's drinking habit?

Woman: Yes, an amazing funny effect! Now he drinks the whole bottle standing upside down over his head.
*********************************************************************
A ship was sinking.

Captain: Does any one know how to pray?

A priest comes forward and says he can pray.

Captain: Ok priest, you pray; everyone else in ship will wear a life jacket as we are one jacket short.
*******************************************************************
Lady to her maid: I have a reason to suspect that my hubby's having an affair with his secretary. Maid: I don't believe it! you are just sayign that to make me jealous!
******************************************************************
Santa’s donkey went missing. Santa was praying and thanking God.

Banta saw him and asked, "Your donkey is missing; Why are you thanking God?"

Santa: I am thanking Him because I wasn't riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I would also have been missing.
*******************************************************************
Pappu: Dad, what is an idiot?

Santa: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?

Pappu: No.

********************************************************************

GOATS, BEER AND BURIAL

In what absolutely reads like an April Fools joke, Google has a post on its blog today explaining how it has rented a herd of goats to replace the lawnmowers that normally cut the grass in the fields around its headquarters. This is Google’s “low-carbon” approach to maintaining its property.

Google is renting the goats from a company called California Grazing. Apparently, every so often a herder will bring about 200 of them to the campus and they’ll roam around for a week eating the grass. Not only that, these goats will fertilize the land at the same time — yes, that way.

**********************************************************************
This guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender to line up 10 glasses and start filling them up with beer. So the bartender starts filling the glasses up with beer, and the man is right behind him drinking them straight down. The bartender says, hay buddy whats your hurry? The man says if you had what I have you would do the same thing. The bartender backs up and says what do you have.

The man says about 75 cents!
*************************************************************************
"Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned."

*********************************************************************
An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave, and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!'

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.

To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave, and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life ?'

The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down.'

Damn!!! Women think of everything!! !
****************************************************************

RIB-TICKLERS

When we arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door.

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'

His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.'
*************************************************************************
What is defference between man and Superman?

Man wears underwear under the trouser and superman wears it over the trouser.
*************************************************************************
Sam: Would you punish me for some thing i didn't do?

Teacher: no, of course not.

Sam: good, because i didn't do my homework.
*************************************************************************
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

His lips are moving.
*************************************************************************
Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

Professional courtesy.
*************************************************************************
What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?

The bucket.
*************************************************************************
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
*************************************************************************
Why don't oysters give to charity?

Because they're shellfish.
*************************************************************************

LAUGH TILL YOU DROP

Said to a railroad engineer:

What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.

The reply from the railroad engineer:
How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?
*************************************************************************
Patient: Doctor, I think that I've been bitten by a vampire.

Doctor: Drink this glass of water.

Patient: Will it make me better?

Doctor: No, I but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks.
*************************************************************************
A: Why are all those people running?

B: They are running a race to get a cup.

A: Who will get the cup?

B: The person who wins.

A: Then why are all the others running?
*************************************************************************
Father: What did you do today to help your mother?
Son: I dried the dishes
Daughter: And I helped pick up the pieces.
*************************************************************************
"I was born in California."

"Which part?"

"All of me."
*************************************************************************
Bank Teller: How do you like the money?

English Student: I like it very much.
*************************************************************************
Teacher: Why are you late?

Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.

Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?

Student: No. I was standing on it.
*************************************************************************
Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?

Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom?

Little Johnny: But I asked first!
*************************************************************************
PUPIL: "Would you punish me for something I didn’t do?"

TEACHER:" Of course not."

PUPIL: "Good, because I haven’t done my homework."
*************************************************************************
A: Why are you crying?

B: The elephant is dead.

A: Was he your pet?

B: No, but I'm the one who must dig his grave.
*************************************************************************

GUFFAWS..HI..HI..HI

Teacher: What are some products of the West Indies?

Student: I don't know.

Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from?

Student: We borrow it from our neighbor.
*****************************************************************************
Teacher: Did you father help your with your homework?

Student: No, he did it all by himself.
*****************************************************************************
A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?

B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.

A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.

B: I'm not. I'm her mother
***************************************************************************
Son: Dad, what is an idiot?

Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?

Son: No.
***************************************************************************
Two goldfish in a bowl talking:

Goldfish 1: Do you believe in God?

Goldfish 2: Of course, I do! Who do you think changes the water?
***************************************************************************
A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.

B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.
***************************************************************************
Patient: Doctor! You've got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say.

Doctor: Next please!
****************************************************************************
A: I have the perfect son.

B: Does he smoke?

A: No, he doesn't.

B: Does he drink whiskey?

A: No, he doesn't.

B: Does he ever come home late?

A: No, he doesn't.

B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?

A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
***************************************************************************
Man said to God --- Why did you make women so beautiful?

God said to man --- So that you will love them.

Man said to God --- But why did you make them so dumb?

God said to man --- So that they will love you.
***************************************************************************
Customer: Waiter, waiter! There is a frog in my soup!!!

Waiter: Sorry, sir. The fly is on vacation.
***************************************************************************

HA...HA...HA....

Tippler Cripple

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

****************************************************************************

Clandestine Joy

A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!'

'What happened?' asked the friend.

'My wife found out..'

*************************************************************************

Speedy Sloth

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!'

Martha replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?'

The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!'

************************************************************************

Mum's The Word

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

************************************************************************

Lone Benefit

Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their
various disorders.

"I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, "But I guess it is impossible."

"I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a baby in three months."

"You must tell me what you did."

"I went to a faith healer."

"But I've tried that. My husband and I
went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit."

The other woman smiled and whispered, "Try going alone, next time, dearie."

*********************************************************************

JOKES MEDLEY - A

PILOT LOVE

Air Passenger(to pilot) : When did you make love last time?

Pilot : 1955

Air Passenger : Long, long time ago?

Pilot : Not really. Now it's 2031.
******************************************************************************

MEETINGS

A humour club members meet twice a week.

On Monday they meet to tell jokes to each other.

On Saturday they meet to laugh at Monday's jokes.
******************************************************************************

HEAVENLY JUSTICE

A miser died and was taken to Gods Court for deciding his case. God asked his record-keeper " Did this man do any good deed in his life time? "

The record-keeper, after extensive search, said, " Yes, Lord. He once gave 5 cents to a poor man."
God said, " Give him 5 cents and send him to hell."
*******************************************************************************

THE NECK-TIE

A man was lost in a desert and wandered aimlessly for days. He had uncontrollable thirst. At last he saw a man. He was selling neck-ties. The lost man in search of water declined his offer to buy neck-tie.

After walking for some more time he found a pub and was thrilled. But his joy was short-lived because it was written at the entrance of the pub: No entry for people without neck-ties!
*****************************************************

JOKES MEDLEY

SECOND CAT

Two convicts were half way through a jailbreak at night. As they were negotiating the slope on the jail's roof, a tile came unstuck and fell into the jail yard. An alert guard shouted, " Who is there?"

The first convict said  "mee...yow", sounding like a cat. The danger passed.

After some time another tile fell down. The guard shouted once again. This time the second convict said,
" This is another cat! "

WEDDING GIFT

A snake charmer married a lady undertaker. A friend gave them a couple of bath-towels. The inscription on the first towel read, 'Hiss.' On the second one it was 'Hearse.'

LANGUAGE SKILL

A mouse and her two kids were chased by a cat. After running for some time the mother abruptly stopped and said as loudly as she could, "Bow-Vow."

The scared cat backed off. Then the mother mouse told her offspring, "This, my dear children, will teach you the importance of learning a second language."

LESSER SENTENCE

A day before the sentence was to be pronounced, a mobster, fearing the worst, advised his lawyer to bribe the judge in order to get lesser sentence. After paying the judge, it was agreed that sentence will not be more than five years.

And true to his promise, the judge sentenced the accused for four years in prison. Later the lawyer met the judge to thank him.

"I was worried if you could really pull it off, your honour." said the lawyer to the judge.

 "I too was a bit apprehensive," replied the judge. " Because the jury wanted to acquit the accused."

********************************************************************************

DRY HUMOR JOKES

KEYHOLE TV

A man didn't have a TV set. So he drilled a hole through the wall into his neighbour's flat and watched the wrestling matches every night. Then he learnt that the neighbour didn't have a TV either......
************************************************************************************
HONEST RUNNER

A man carrying a ladder through a crowded street had the misfortune of breaking a plate-glass window in a store. He immediately dropped his ladder and broke into a run. But the shopkeeper along with his servants chased the man who was finally caught.

"Here, you! " shouted the angry shop keeper when he regained his breath. "You have broken my window."

"I have," admitted the man. "And didn't you see me running home to get the money to pay for it?"
***********************************************************************************
SELL FUN

"Do you know the difference between a watch-maker and a jailer?" asked Eddie.

"That's easy," said Bill. "One sells watches and the other watches cells."
***********************************************************************************
DISCOUNT BATH

A man told his friends that he was opening a two-tier Turkish bath in the city adding that the charges would be only ten dollars upstairs and five dollars downstairs per person.

"Why only half price downstairs?" he was asked.

"Because," he replied, "once customers use the hot water upstairs, I will send it downstairs."
***********************************************************************************
SMOKE SIGNAL

A passenger on a bus asked the conductor, "Is smoking permitted here?"

"No," said the conductor.

"Well, Where did all these cigarette butts come from?"

"From people who didn't ask questions." replied the man in uniform.
***********************************************************************************
BABY AND THE BEAST

A woman with a baby got on a bus. "My goodness," said the conductor. "What an ugly baby! I have never seen an uglier child."

Upset with the conductor's behaviour, the lady complained to the inspector who had just boarded the bus.

The inspector gave her a paper and pen an said, "Write down the complaint, madam. And while you write I will hold your monkey."
**********************************************