LOST?

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball - stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"
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WHY THE OSTRICH?

A man walks into a restaurant with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man.

"Same for me," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I could just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs..."
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DUCKS AND KANGAROOS

A circus owner walked into a bar to find everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside-down pot and a duck tap-dancing on it.

The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!"

"That's strange" said the duck's former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

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Visiting the zoo one day, a lady noticed one of the kangaroos had a huge set of balls. She couldn't believe the size of these hummers, and when the 'roo ventured close to the bars of the enclosure, she reached thru the bars and gave his 'nads a squeeze.

The animal, startled, jumped clear over the fence and bounded away down the path.

A keeper saw the critter fading out of sight, and running up to the woman, said "What did you do to that kangaroo?"

"I just gave his nuts a tweak to see if they were real!" she wailed.

"Well," said the keeper, dropping his pants, "you'd better tweak mine, 'cause I have to catch that sucker"!
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GRANDPA FROG

A little girl says, "Grandpa, can I sit on your lap?  

"Why sure you can," her grandfather replied.

As she is sitting on grandpa's lap she says, "Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?"

"A sound like a frog? Well, I guess Grandpa can make a sound like a frog."

The girl says, "Grandpa, will you please, please MAKE a sound like a frog?"

Perplexed, her grandpa says, "Sweet heart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?"

And the little girl says, "'Cause Grandma said that when you croak, we're all going to Disney world!"
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BREEDING STOCK

A Welsh farmer drove to an animal breeder neighbour's farmhouse and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your dad or your mum home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No, he went with Mum and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message." said the boy.

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment...and said,

"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges £500 for the bull and £50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
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FUNNY ANIMALS

PENGUIN PAL

A bus driver on his route sees a van from the zoo stranded on the side of the road. The zoo worker offers the bus driver $100 to help him deliver two dozen penguins. The bus driver agrees and loads the penguins on the bus.

An hour later, the zoo worker gets his van fixed and heads to the zoo. On the road, he sees the bus driver and the penguins driving in the opposite direction. He catches up to the bus and pulls them over.

The zoo worker yells, "I gave you a $100 to take the penguins to the zoo for me. Why are you still driving them around?"

"Calm down," the bus driver says, "I took the penguins to the zoo. We had change left over, so now I'm taking them to the movies."
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GUN CONTROL

A man calls animal control to get a crazed gorilla off his roof. A van pulls up and an old man gets out, carrying a small dog, a baseball bat and a gun. He hands the man the gun.

"OK, here's what we do. I'm going to go up onto your roof and threaten the gorilla with this baseball bat until he falls down. When he falls down, this little dog will bite him in the balls until he's incapacitated.

"Great," says the man, "but what's the gun for?""If I fall down instead of the gorilla, shoot the dog."
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END DISCOVERY

A policeman was directing traffic at a busy intersection when he observed a blind man and his seeing-eye dog waiting to cross.To his horror, he watched as the seeing-eye dog bolted across the street, dragging the blind man behind him.

On the other side of the road, the man pulled out a cookie and offered it to his dog.The officer ran to the blind man and said, "Don't you realize your dog could have killed you, and now you're going to reward him?"

The blind man said to the policeman, "Why, no sir, I'm just trying to find out where his head is so I can kick his ass."
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SUPER MOUSE

Three mice sit in a bar. The first one brags, "I am one bad ass mouse! In my hood, we have huge mousetraps. I take the damn cheese out of all of them."

The second one brags, "Well, I'm a bad ass mouse too. In my hood, I mix rat poison with my milk and chug it down every night before I go to bed."

The third gets up and starts to leave. The other two mice both yell, "Hey chicken, where do you think you're going?"

The third one replies, "Going home to f**k the cat."
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HUMOUR BEASTS

SCHOLARLY DOGGIE

A man attending a movie was surprised to find himself sitting behind a woman and an Alsatian dog. Even more amazing was the fact that the dog laughed in the right places throughout the movie.

"Excuse me, madam," the man said, "but I think that it is simply amazing that your dog is enjoying the movie so much."

"I am quite surprised myself," the woman replied. "He hated the book on which this movie is based."
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BIDDER BIRD

A man finally bought a parrot at an auction after some very spirited bidding.

"I suppose the bird talks," he enquired the auctioneer.

"Talks?" said the auctioneer a bit surprised. "He has been bidding against you for the past half an hour."
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DOG FREEDOM

A Chinese dog once met an American dog at the city of New york. The Chinese dog said to his American counterpart, "China is a great country to live in. Our GDP growth is fastest in the world. My master feeds me six times a day with caviar etc."

"Then why did you come to the U S ?" asked the American dog.

"I'd like to bark once in a while, you see." replied the Chinese visitor.
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TRADE SECRET

A man met his friend after a long time. Looking at the signs of prosperity in his Friend the man asked, "You seem to be doing well for yourself. What is the secret?"

"It was because of a brilliant business idea I hit upon needing low capital and high turnover and profit." replied the friend.

"And what did you sell?" enquired the friend curiously.

"I sell homing pigeons," explained the friend. "Each time I sell a pigeon, it comes back to me the very next day!"
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DOG GOT WISE

Once upon a time there was a dog who sat by the side of a railway track when a passing train cut off an inch of its tail. Seeking revenge, the dog waited patiently for the train's next trip and tried to bite it as the train went past. The wheels of the train ran over the dog's neck cutting its head off.

The moral of this story: Never lose your head over a piece of tail.
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RACE HORSE

It's an animal that can take several thousand people for a ride at the same time.
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