WORDPLAY HUMOR

I do not enjoy computer jokes, not one bit.                                                          

I changed my i Pod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar, for fingering A minor.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she
couldn't control her pupils?

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
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FUNNY ONE-LINERS

# No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationary.

# Two silk worms had a race, they ended up in a tie.

# A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

# Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

# I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

# A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

# The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

# When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

# Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'dam!'.

# Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'Ive lost my electron.' The other says 'are   you sure?'. The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

# Did you hear about the buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal : transcend dental medication.

# A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

# Why can't a bicycle stand on its own? Because it's two tired.

# When a marathon runner had ill fitting shoes, he suffers the agony of defeat (the feet).

# How do you define a will? It's a Dead Giveaway.

# What do you call a country where everyone drives a red car?  A red carnation.

# A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

# A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

# When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

# Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

# When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
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SHORT AND FUNNY

[1] You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.

[2] It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

[3] Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.

[4] Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

[5] Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something

[6] They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!

[7] Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but then the thought of long life will never come.

[8]Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

[9]Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

[10]It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs. Arranged. It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.

[11]There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.

[12]There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has it!
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FUNNY ONE LINERS

[1] Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.

[2] Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.

[3] Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

[4] I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.

[5] A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.

[6] Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

[7] Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

[8] You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.

[9] Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

[10] Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

[11] Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

[12] My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

[13] Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

[14] Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

[15] A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.