COURTROOM HOWLERS

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. .......
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ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan! ........
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ..........
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JUDGE: "The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant, sir?"

DEFENDANT: "No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens."
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THE LEGAL EAGLE

The madam opened the brothel door in a city and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked.

The man replied, "I want to see Suzy."

"Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else" , said the madam.

He replied, "No, I must see Suzy."

Just then, Suzy appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Suzy.

Suzy explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.

"There are no discounts. The price is still £5000."

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Suzy and they went upstairs.

After their session, Suzy said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, " Edinburgh."

"Really," she said. "I have family in Edinburgh ."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her Lawyer She asked me to give you your £15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain: 
1. Death 
2. Taxes 
3. Being screwed by a lawyer!
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OF LAWYERS AND SCOTSMEN

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The previous year he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.

Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

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Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming, "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly? I can't button me pants."

"Oh Angus, I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it."

About 5 minutes later, there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling down the stairs.

Walking back in the door with a blackened eye and a bloody nose comes Angus. The little lady looks at him and says, "My god, what happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?"

"Aye," says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button, an she did, everything was goin' fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread, Mr MacDonald, her husband, walked in."
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ACQUITTED

Two lawyers had been life long friends: they were partners and shared everything, including their hot-blooded secretary.

One day the secretary announced she was pregnant. They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when the child was born and provide all expenses thereafter.

The day of delivery arrived. Both the lawyers were at the hospital pacing the floor in the waiting room. Finally one of them said, "I can't take this, I'm going down to sit in my car and wait there. Please come down and tell me as soon as the child is born!"

The partner agreed to do that. About an hour later the partner approached the car with a very grave look on his face.

"What happened?" asked the waiting car occupant.

The other partner announced, "They were twins and mine died!"
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FUNNY LAWYER JOKES

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, `It`s a lot of money!` After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president`s office.

The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, `$165,000!` and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was, of course, curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, `Ma`am, I`m surprised you`re carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?` The old lady replied, `I make bets.`

The president then asked, `Bets? What kind of bets?` The old woman said, `Well, for example, I`ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.` `Ha!` laughed the president, `That`s a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!` The old lady challenged, `So, would you like to take my bet?` `Sure,` said the president, `I`ll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!` The little old lady then said, `Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?` `Sure!` replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president`s office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: `$25,000 says the president`s balls are square!`

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. `Well, Okay,` said the president,`$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.`

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, `What the hell`s the matter with your lawyer?` She replied, `Nothing, except I bet him $50,000 that at 10 am today, I`d have the president of the Bank of Canada`s balls in my hand.`
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I have good news and bad news,` the defense lawyer says to his client.

`What`s the bad news?` The lawyer says,

`Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene.`

`Dammit!` cries the client. `What`s the good news?`

`Well,` the lawyer says, `Your cholesterol is down to 140.`

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LAWYER JOKES

One day a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw a guy eating grass He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, `Why are you eating grass`.

The man replied, `I`m so poor, I can`t afford a thing to eat.`

So the lawyer said, `Poor guy, come back to my house.`

The guys then said, `But I have a wife and three kids.` The lawyer told him to bring them along.

When they were all in the car, the poor man said, `Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you.`

The lawyer said, `You`re going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall.`

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A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.

Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, `I don`t mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?`

St. Peter replied, `Well, I`ve added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!`
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A man reluctantly attends his lawyer`s funeral expecting to be one of the one people there, and is surprised to see a huge turnout for this one terrible man. He turns to the people around him.

"Why are you all at this lawyer`s funeral?" he asks.

A man turns towards him and says, "We`re all clients."

"And you ALL came to pay your respects?"

"No, we came to make sure he was really dead."
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POKE AT LAWYERS

OH, HEAVENS!

There was a construction worker who was working on a building when he fell 15 stories to his bloody death. He arrived at the pearly gates and St. Peter said ''Oh, I am sorry, my son. But you have been sentenced to hell. The worker agreed and he was on his way.

When he arrived, the devil looked at him and said, “Ah! A new slave. We shall burn you and throw you in the fiery pits.” 

Then the worker replied, “That wall could use a bit of patching. I could fix it first and you could throw me in the pit afterward.” So he fixed the wall. Satan, intrigued, asked, “What else can you build?” So the construction worker went about his job and made many improvements; in fact, by the time he was done, hell was a paradise.

It had air conditioning, pools, balconies, you name it. Within a few days, God phoned Satan and said, “I think there has been a mix-up. That worker was originally supposed to come to heaven.”

Satan replied, “No way -- he's built all sorts of useful stuff for us. We're keeping him.”

God then said, “Oh, yeah? Well, I'll see you in court. We're going to sue you for this man's soul and damages.

Satan just laughed: “And where are you going to find a lawyer?”
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FOOD FOR ALL

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man."We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then.""But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!" They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!"
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BRAINY STUFF

A doctor notices a sidewalk stand that says 'brains for sale.' He goes over to investigate and sees a sign that says 'Doctor brains Rs 50 per K.G.’ and another sign that says ‘Paramedic brains Rs 75 per K.G., Nurses brains Rs 150 per K.G, truck driver's brains Rs 200 per K.G. and lawyers brains Rs 1000 per K.G.’

So he asks the man behind the cash register, “how come his brains are only worth 50.00 and a lawyer's worth 1000.00?”

The man replies, “Do you know how many lawyers it takes to make a kilogram of brains?”
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NEW LAWYER

Defendant: Your Honour, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.

Judge: And why is that?

Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.

Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion?

Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.
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