COURTROOM HOWLERS

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. .......
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ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan! ........
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ..........
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JUDGE: "The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant, sir?"

DEFENDANT: "No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens."
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THE MOTIVATION

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"Seventeen people? That's wonderful! What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, Your Honor. I drew two circles like this and told them, 'this BIG circle is your brain BEFORE drugs, and this SMALL circle is your brain AFTER drugs.'"

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?", the judge asked the second boy.

"Well, Your Honor, I persuaded 150 people to give up drugs forever."

"One-hundred-fifty people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar approach. I said, 'This SMALL circle is your asshole BEFORE prison....'"
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