THE NIGHT SCHOOL

During work, Albert and Benjamin were chatting. Albert said, 'Benjamin, I've been attending night classes for 5 months now and I have an exam next week.

Benjamin said,'Oh!'

Albert : For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?

Benjamin : No.

Albert : He's the inventor of the phone in 1876. If you take night courses you would know this.'

The next day the same discussion took place:

Albert : Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?

Benjamin : No.

Albert : He's the author of 'The Three Musketeers'. If you take night courses, you would know this.

The next day, once again:

Albert : And do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is?

Benjamin : No.

Albert : He's the author of 'Confessions'. If you take night courses, you would know this.

This time Benjamin got irritated and said, 'And you. Do you know who is E. Jipson Murgatroyd?'

Albert : No.

Benjamin : He's the guy sleeping with your wife!! If you stop taking night courses, you would know this.
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THE WINKER'S LEGACY

The personnel director was interviewing people for the position of account executive. One candidate offered excellent references and experience, and he was well-dressed and well-spoken. The only catch was a disconcerting mannerism: the fellow couldn't seem to stop winking.

So the personnel director decided to be frank. "You've got all the qualifications for the job and I'd really like to hire you, but I have to be honest. I'm afraid that facial tic of yours might put clients off."

"I'm glad you brought that up, sir," said the candidate, "because all I need to make that annoying wink go away is a couple of aspirins. See for yourself. I've got some on me," he says, as he starts emptying his pockets on the desk. The prospective employer was startled to see dozens of packages of condoms piling up: ribbed ones, lubricated ones, multi-colored ones -- every variety imaginable.

"Aha," cried the young man happily, "here they are!" He brandished two aspirin tablets, swallowed them, and sure enough the 'wink' went away in less than a minute.

"So much for the wink," said the personnel manager sternly, gesturing at the mound of rubbers, "but what about all this stuff here? I don't want the company to be represented by some wild womanizer."

"No fear, sir," the prospect assured him. "I'm a happily married man!"

So how do you account for the contents of you pockets?"

It's quite simple, sir," the fellow assured him. "Did you ever go into a drugstore, winking like crazy, and ask for a bottle of aspirin?"
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THE FACELIFT

A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy a paper. Before leaving, she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," the clerk replies.

"I turned 47 yesterday," the woman says happily, and then moves to her next stop.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and, upon getting her order, asks the counter girl the same question. She replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope, I turned 47 yesterday!" Now she is feeling really good about herself.

While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is starting to go. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell exactly how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands up your shirt and feel your boobs."

They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says, "What the hell, go ahead." The old man slips both hands up her shirt, under her bra, and begins to feel around. After a couple of minutes she says, "OK already: how old am I?" He removes his hands and says, "You are 47 years and one day old."

"That is amazing!" the stunned the woman says. "How did you know?"

The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
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CRUMPLED CRUCIFIXION

A man is at home alone watching the football game when his wife gets home. She is looking especially nice, and there's a look about her that catches his eye. Besides: half-time had just started, so he muted the TV and gave her his full attention.

"Darling," she says, have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?"

Not sure if there's some sort of joke -- or maybe some seduction -- starting, the man plays along. "Well, no," he says.

She gives him a sexy seductive little smile, unbuttons the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reaches down into the cleavage created by a sexy, lacy, silky push-up bra, and pulls out a crumpled twenty dollar note.

He takes the crumpled bill and looks up to see what's next.

"Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?" she asks.

"No, I can't say that I have," he replies, playing along and warming to this little game.

She gives him another sexy, secretive, knowing little smile, slowly pulls up her tight little skirt higher and higher, and seductively reaches into her tight, sheer panties, and pulls out a crumpled fifty dollar note.

He takes the crumpled bill and is really looking forward to the next step is this fun little game.

"Now darling," she says, "have you ever seen 50 thousand dollars all crumpled up?"

"I sure haven't!" he says, turning off the TV.

"Well," she says, "have a look in the garage...."
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THE DIMWIT LOCUM

Old Doc McTavish had a slow schedule, and a hankering to go golfing. But by the time he decided to go, his office assistant, Seamus, had already booked three appointments -- right in the middle of the day. Doc McTavish came up with a plan.

"Seamus," he said, "I can't cancel the appointments, so I want you to see the three patients."

"Yes, sir!" the always obedient Seamus replied.

The doctor has a great round of golf, and then rushes back to the office to see how things went.

"How did things go?" the anxious medic asks his assistant.

"The first patient had a headache, so I gave him Tylenol."

"Bravo, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Maalox, sir," says Seamus.

"Excellent! You're good at this! And what about the third one?" he asks.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a beautiful young woman burst through. Like a flame, she undressed herself, taking off everything, and she lay down on the table. She spread her legs and shouted: 'HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!'"

"Fierce, Seamus!" said the astounded doctor. "What did ye do? for that one?"

"I gave her eye drops!"
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ROGUE ROBOT

A father buys a lie detector robot; it slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out on his son at supper.

"Where were you last night?"

"I was at the library."

Robot slaps son

"OK, OK," the boy says, rubbing his arm. "I was at Jerry's house."

"Doing what?" asks the mother.

"Watching a movie. Toy Story."

Robot slaps son

"OK, it was porn!" cried the son.

Father yells: "What? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was!"

Robot slaps the father

The mother laughs and says, "He certainly is your son!"

Robot slaps the mother
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FIDELITY INDEX

A business man is packing for a trip. He glances in his briefcase, then calls to his wife.

"Honey."

"Yes, darling?" she replies.

"Honey," he says, in mild exasperation, "why do you persist in putting a condom in my briefcase every time I go on a trip? You know I only have eyes for you. I'd never be unfaithful."

"Oh, I know, darling, and I trust you," she replies sweetly, "It's just that, well you know, with all those terrible diseases out there, it would make me feel better to know that if anything did happen, you'd be protected. So please, darling, take it with you, won't you? For my sake?"

"Oh, alright, if you put it that way," he relented, "I'll do it for you. But...."

"Yes, dear?" she says.

"For heaven's sake," he says. "Give me more than one!"
*******************************************************

MOTHER AND DAUGHTER

I went clubbing last night.

Met a lady a couple of years younger than me, maybe 70ish, but still very attractive.

We laughed and talked and drank.

We drank and talked and laughed some more.

Then she asked me a question just about every man has fantasized about: she asked if I had ever indulged in a mother and daughter threesome! When I recovered my wits and replied "no", she said this was my lucky night.

Wow! It was one of those dreams come true!

I drove her back to her house, and she unlocked the door and led me inside. My heart was pounding.

Then she shouted up the stairs, "Mom, are you still awake?
*******************************************************

INCOME TAX ENQUIRY

“Hello, is this Miss Singleton?”
 
“Yes, it is.”
 
“Miss Singleton, this is John Smith, your tax accountant.  I must inform you that your tax statement was rejected by the authorities. They say that your salary and your possessions are  incompatible. Your salary as a secretary is too low for you to be able to afford a luxury apartment, a new Mercedes-Benz, expensive clothing, jewellery, vacations in Europe, etc.’”
 
“Oh, and what can I do about it Mr. Smith?”
 
“Well, let's do the following: Send me details of your principal source of income, and I'll see what I can do with it.”
 
“Very well Mr. Smith. I will make a scan and email it to you shortly.”
                                 Miss Singleton busy on her scanner

 ******************************************************

THREE BEAUTIES

A man was sitting on a lonely beach. Tragically, through a childhood accident, he had lost both both of his arms and both of his legs. During the long afternoon, as he remained on the beach, three women separately walked past him. Each felt very sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said: "Have you ever had a hug?"

The man looked up and saw the woman was quite pretty. Sensing an opportunity he said, "No." So she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said: "Have you ever had a kiss?"

The man looked up and saw this woman was even prettier. "No," he said with anticipation, so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman came to him and said: "Have you ever been screwed?"

The man looked up and saw this one was drop-dead gorgeous. With anticipation welling up, and swallowing hard so he could talk, the fellow croaked out, "No."

"Well, you will be in a few minutes," she said, walking by. "The tide's coming in."
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HOW TO LOSE WEIGHT

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day/10-lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20-lb. program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me." Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze. So, for the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies. "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a fat lady weighing 500 pounds standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine."
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THE LUCKY MASK

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain. As it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Since her husband didn't know what her costume was since she had gotten them from the shop, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, even copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. She contained her anger and sidled up to him and, being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished -- and why not, since he was her husband?! Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang, still keeping their masks on.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Well, did you even get any dancing in?" she asked, knowing how much he enjoys dancing.

"Well, I have a confession to make, honey," he says. Here we go, she thinks. "Sweetie, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I saw Pete, Bill and Johnny, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you: the guy I loaned my costume says he sure had a good time!"
**********************************************************************************

QUALITY LINKED BONUS

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she can't help but notice the soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears in his bedroom!

There are three shelves with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering an entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for a young bloke to have such a large a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. All the while thinking to herself, "Oh my! Maybe this guy could be the one! Maybe he could father my children!"

She turns to him. They kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion, the woman rolls over, strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"

The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
**********************************************************************************

THE CHASTITY BELT

An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness.

The doctor sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. You'd best put your affairs in order."

O'Malley was shocked, but being a solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room, where his son was waiting.

"Well, Son," O'Malley said, "We Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer. Let's head to the pub and have a few pints."

After 3 or 4 pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and some more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's friends who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

O'Malley told them they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple of more beers.

After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you told me that you were dying of cancer, but you just told your friends that you were dying of AIDS!"

"It's like this, m'boy," O'Malley said. "I don't want any of them bastards sleeping with your mother after I am gone."
***********************************************************************************

WHAT DADDY DID

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and...

"... then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
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RICH AND POOR

Two friends, one very wealthy and the other quite poor, were sitting in a bar late one night. They were talking about different things when the poor man asked the rich man,

"So what did you end up giving your wife for her birthday, the Mercedes or the diamond ring?"

"I got her the Mercedes and the diamond ring," says the rich man.

The poor man, a bit puzzled, asked, "Why the hell did you get her both?"

The rich man replied, "I got her both so if she doesn't like the ring, she can drive her new car back to the jeweler's to exchange it. So... What did YOU buy for YOUR wife?"

The poor man says, "I bought her a pair of flip-flops and a dildo."

Obviously confused, the rich man asked why he chose those items.

The poor man replied,

"Because if she doesn't like the flip-flops, she can go fuck herself!"
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THE ODD MAN OUT

A couple is attending an Art exhibit and they are looking at a portrait that has them a little taken aback. The picture depicts 3 very black, very naked men sitting on a park bench; 2 have a black penis and the one in the middle has a pink penis.

As the couple is looking somewhat puzzled at the picture, the Irish artist walks by and says, "Can I help you with this painting? I'm the artist who painted it."

The man says "Well, we like the painting but don't understand why you have 3 African men on a bench, and the one in the middle has a pink penis, while the other two have a black penis."

The artist says, "Oh you are misinterpreting the painting. They're not African men, they are Irish coal miners and the one in the middle went home for lunch."
*********************************************************************************

BREAST EXAMINATION

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the Doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The Doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast - fed" she replied.

"Strip down to your waist," he said.

She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight, you don't have any milk."

"I know I don’t," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm sure glad I came."
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MAN Vs GORILLA

A married couple at the zoo walk past the gorilla enclosure.

Says the woman, 'Mark, do you know gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior? Look, since no one’s around and looking, I'll expose one of my breasts to it and see how horny it gets just as men do.'

Mary then exposes one of her breasts and sure enough, the gorilla gets excited and grabs the bars of the enclosure and shakes them as if it wanted to break out.

'See...' says the woman, 'That’s why you react the way you do. Men just can't control their animal instincts-just like gorillas!'

Says Mark, 'OK, now expose both breasts and let’s see what happens...'

The woman exposes both her breasts to the gorilla and it gets very excited and desperately tries to break out of the enclosure.

'That’s incredible!’ says Mark. 'Now, pull your down your jeans, turn around and expose your butt and let’s see what happens....'

The woman pulls down her jeans, turns around with her butt to the gorilla, which by now is extremely aroused. It breaks out of the enclosure, grabs the woman and starts yanking off her clothes.

The woman yells, 'Mark, what should I do now? HELP’.

Mark replies, 'Now, tell him you have a headache. Let’s see if gorillas and men are really the same '
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UNFORGETTABLE BIRTHDAY

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy birthday!", and possibly have a present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."

I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids came into breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane said, "Good morning, boss, Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "Thanks Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and i enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"

She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back."

"OK." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake... Followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.
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