WISDOM THROUGH HUMOUR

One evening an old Cherokee Indian told his grandson about a battle that was going on inside himself.

He said, "My boy, the fight is between two wolves."

That certainly got the boy's attention.

"One is evil," the old man continued. "Anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego."

"What of the other, grandfather?" the boy asked.

"The other is good," he said. "Joy, Peace, Love, Hope, Serenity, Humility, Kindness, Benevolence, Empathy, Generosity, Truth, Compassion and Faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Do we all have such wolves fighting inside us, grandfather?"

"Yes," the wise old man said.

"Then, which wolf wins the fight?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
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RICH AND POOR

Two friends, one very wealthy and the other quite poor, were sitting in a bar late one night. They were talking about different things when the poor man asked the rich man,

"So what did you end up giving your wife for her birthday, the Mercedes or the diamond ring?"

"I got her the Mercedes and the diamond ring," says the rich man.

The poor man, a bit puzzled, asked, "Why the hell did you get her both?"

The rich man replied, "I got her both so if she doesn't like the ring, she can drive her new car back to the jeweler's to exchange it. So... What did YOU buy for YOUR wife?"

The poor man says, "I bought her a pair of flip-flops and a dildo."

Obviously confused, the rich man asked why he chose those items.

The poor man replied,

"Because if she doesn't like the flip-flops, she can go fuck herself!"
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SMART NUN

Pants Down

There were two nuns. One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

One day they were returning from the city. It was getting dark and they were still far away from the convent. Then......

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for The past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?                                                                     

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

 

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys.

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CHINESE WISDOM

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc".

The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis".

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".

The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice".

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease".

The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta,always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!"

"Oh, Thank God!", the man replies.

"Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save money"
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DENNIS, NO MENACE

Passive Voice

Teacher: Write the passive voice of " I made a mistake"
Dennis: " I was made by a mistake"
Millionaire
Teacher: Imagine you are a millionaire. Write your life history.
Dennis didn’t write.
Teacher: Why are you not writing?
Dennis : I’m waiting for my secretary to take notes….
Fruit Chemistry
Prof.: Chemical symbol of Barium?
Dennis:BA
Prof.: For Sodium?
Dennis:NA
Prof.: What will we get if 1 atom of Barium & 2 atoms of Sodium combines?
Dennis:"BANANA"
Sign Board
Dennis was asked to write a sign board for the traffic near the school.
He wrote"Drive carefully! Don't kill the students, wait for the teachers" 
Bus-Ted
Father and Dennis were standing in front of the tiger's cage at the zoo.
The father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are, and Dennis was taking it all in with a serious expression.
"Dad," Dennis said finally, "if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you up …"
"Yes, son?" the father said expectantly.
"What bus should I take home?" Dennis finished. 
Nearly Honest
Dennis called FM radio and said,
“I've found a purse with $ 5000/-, a credit card and an ID card of Mr.Peter, No.13,Halls Road,San Jose….”
RadioJockey : How honest ….so you want to return his purse…?
Dennis : No……. i just wanted to dedicate a sad song for him… 
Dog And Man
Dad: Do u know how to swim?
Dennis: No.
Dad: A dog is better than you! It can swim.
Dennis: So do you know how to swim?
Dad: For sure!
Dennis: Then, what's the difference between you and a dog?
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OLD, BUT WISE

INDIAN WISDOM

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S. government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.
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COMRADES IN ARMS

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW out the car sales room . Taking off down the motor-way , he floored it to 90 , enjoying the wind blowing through . Amazing he thought as he flew down the Motor Way , looking in his rear view mirror , he saw a police car behind him , blue light flashing , siren blaring .

'' I can get away from him - no problem ! '' He floored it to 130 , then 140 ...then 150 ...

Suddenly , he thought , '' What on earth am I doing ? I'm too old for this nonsense ! '' So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him .

Pulling in behind him , the officer walked up to the drivers side of the BMW , looked at his watch and said , ''Sir , my shift ends in ten minutes , Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend , If you can give me a reason I've never heard before for why you were speeding , I'll let you go ''

The Man looked very seriously at the police man , and replied , '' Years ago , my wife ran off with a policeman , I thought you were bringing her back , ''

The Cop left saying ''Have a good day , Sir....!! '
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