ENGINEER BLONDE

Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.


The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."

They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Alabama, Tuscaloosa and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."
*****************************************************************

BUTT IN BUTT

A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy.

“When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your ass. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others in such a fashion as you can’t tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious: you won’t dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar.”

“Thanks doc, I’ll try it.”

And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again.

“What? My recommendation didn’t work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours!”

“Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction,” said the patient.

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Well, I don’t smoke cigars anymore, but now I can’t go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass.”

“You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.” 
- Emo Phillips 

BOB AND THE BLONDE

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."                                        

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, But willingly handed her $20 to Bob.

"Fair's fair. Here's your money," said the blonde.    

Bob replied, "I can't take your money.. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, So I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did, too. But I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money.
*********************************************************

TOP SECRET SPY

During the Second World War an American secret service agent was sent to Wales to pick up some very sensitive information from an agent called Jones. His instructions were to walk around town using a code phrase until he met his fellow agent.

He found himself on a desolate country road and where he ran into a farmer.

"Hello," said the agent, "I'm looking for a man called Jones."

"Well you're in luck boy-o," said the farmer, "there's lots of folk named Jones 'round here. There's Jones the butcher, Jones the baker, Jones the blacksmith, why even my name is Jones."

"Aha," thought the agent, "this could be my man." So he whispered the secret code.

"The sun is shining... the grass is growing... the cows are ready for milking."

"Oh," said the farmer, "you're looking for Jones the spy."
************************************************************

GOLF TUTORIAL

IMPORTANT STEPS:

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

2. Form a loose grip.

3. Keep your head down.

4. Avoid a quick back swing.

5. Stay out of the water.

6. Try not to hit anyone.

7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.

8. Don't stand directly in front of others.

9. Quiet please while others are preparing to go.

10. Don't take extra strokes.

11. Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.
****************************************************************

LAWYERS Vs ENGINEERS

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers.

"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.

They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train as departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, the lawyers buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.

When they board the train the three engineers cram into a restroom and the three lawyers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says,

"Ticket, please."
*******************************************************************

BLACK AND BLUE

This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband’s funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.

He asks, “Wouldn’t it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he’s wearing?” But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.

When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.

He says, “Actually, it didn’t cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another deceased was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her.

"So . . . I switched the heads."

******************************************************************

THE FLYING CHICK

This guy is driving his pickup down a country lane when suddenly a chicken darts out into the road in front of him. He’s just about to slam on his brakes to avoid the chicken when he realizes that the chicken has sped on ahead, doing about 30 miles per hour. Amazed, he speeds up to follow, but the chicken takes off faster and faster. Finally the chicken screeches into a turn and goes into a small farm.

As he turns to follow, the guy notices that the chicken has three legs. He pulls to a stop in front of the farmhouse, and looking around, notices that ALL the chickens have three legs.

He says to the farmer; “Three-legged chickens? That’s astounding!”

The farmer replies; “Yep, I bred ‘em that way. I love drumsticks.”

“Well, tell me,” asks the guy “how does a three-legged chicken taste?”

“Dunno,” says the farmer “I haven’t been able to catch one yet.”
**********************************************************************
Wisdom : Don’t spend 5 dollars to have a shirt dry cleaned. Donate it to the Salvation Army. They’ll clean it and put it on a hangar. Next morning you can buy it back for 75 cents.
**********************************************************************

HOOKED TO GOLF

Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic.He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies,and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy  to a finerestaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said: "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question,it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short,I eat, sleep, and  breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded: "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
***********************************************************************

FOSSIL FUEL FART

Dave  and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked  as  aircraft  mechanics in Melbourne, Australia.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in  the

hangar  with nothing to do.

Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had  something to drink!'

Jim  says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel  and  get  a  buzz.

You  wanna try it?'  

So  they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane  booze  and  get completely smashed.  

The  next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good  he  feels.

In  fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side  effects.

Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim.  Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel  this  morning?'

Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'

Jim  says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a  hangover?'  

Dave  says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover,  nothing.  We  ought to do this more often..'

' Yeah, well there's just one  thing.'  

'What's  that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.'

'Well,  DON'T - cause I'm in New  Zealand  '  

***********************************************************************

IRISH DRY HUMOR

GOLFER AT THE DENTIST                                                  

An Irish man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We  have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness,this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."

So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him. “

***********************************************************************

SMILING STIFFS

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

 'First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile inspector', says the Coroner.

 'Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'

 The Inspector asked, 'What about the third body?'

 'Ah,' says the coroner, 'this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.'

 'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.

 'He thought he was having his picture taken'.

********************************************************************

POLISH DRY HUMOUR

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American Girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations are still in Poland.

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She is going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
I got a proof.

What kind of proof?
She is going to poison me.

How do you know?

She bought a bottle at drugstore and kept in the shelf of bathroom.

Then what?

I can read, and it say.....POLISH REMOVER

ASKING FOR A RAISE

Trapped......                                               

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.' The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so...'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'

Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Señora...... the gardener did.'

(2 minutes silence)

Wife: '...So how much do you want?

***************************************************************************
....And Escaped.....

When it comes to circumlocution, Alexander Haig, the former US State Secretary, takes the cake. Haig, a career diplomat turned politician, was once approached by one of his office clerks asking for a raise (in his salary). 


Without batting eyelid Mr. Haig said, "My dear son, because of the fluctuational predisposition of your position's productive capacity as juxtaposed to the Government standards, it would be momentarily injudicious to advocate an increment."

With utter incomprehension, the clerk said, " I don't get it." (meaning he didn't understand what Haig said). 


"That's right." replied Mr. Haig coolly.
****************************************************************************************************

VENTRILOQUY DRIVER JOKES

A young ventriloquist touring the clubs is doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he goes through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 2nd row stands on her chair and shouts:

"I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a persona because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes but women in general .. and all in the name of humor".

Quite taken aback, the embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize but the blonde yells again, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!!!"

**********************************************************************

A man was driving through an intersection when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding.

Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

Now he began to think this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again. The traffic camera still flashed.

He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace.

One week later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

**********************************************************************

STUPID INSTRUCTIONS

In Honor of Stupid People . . . .
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

---> On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
**************************************************************************
---> On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)
**************************************************************************
---> On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
**************************************************************************
---> On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)
*************************************************************************
---> On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction and auto accidents if we could just get those 5 & 6 year-olds with head-colds out of the cars and off those bulldozers.)
*************************************************************************
---> On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(...I'm taking this because???....)
*************************************************************************
---> On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash- What did you expect??)
*************************************************************************
---> On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)
*************************************************************************
---> On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
*************************************************************************
---> On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

FUNNY Q & A

Q. What happens to your body as you age?

A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get continental.
..................................................................
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes

A. Premature death.
..................................................................
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?

A. Keep it in the cow.
..................................................................
Q. How are the main parts of the body categorised?

A. The body consists of three parts – the branium, the borax and the
abominable cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the
heart and lungs and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, a, e, i, o
and u.
.................................................................
Q. Briefly describe the skeleton and its function in the body

A. The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hang the meat on.
................................................................
Q. What is a seizure?

A. A Roman emperor.
................................................................
Q. What is a terminal illness?

A. When you’re sick at the airport.
................................................................
Q. What is artificial respiration commonly known as?

A. The kiss of death.
................................................................
Q. What are steroids?

A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
................................................................
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is its characteristic feature?

A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places so they look like umbrellas.
................................................................
Q. What is a magnet?

A. Something you find crawling on a dead animal.
................................................................