DRUNKEN TRICK

A man gets off the elevator at the bar on top of the Empire State Building. He is bowled over by the splendor and the view. He orders a drink, and then remarks about how there's a large open window with no guardrails or anything -- someone could fall a long way!

"There's no problem with that, it's completely safe!" says a man dressed in a sharp suit, glasses and a fedora. "Even if you fell out, the building creates a strong updraft current that will bring you right back to safety!"

"Huh?" the man says, incredulous.

"Sure, let me show you!" the man at the bar says, stepping to the window and allowing himself to fall right out.

"Oh my gosh!" says the newcomer. He bends over to look out the window to see what happened just as the man comes back up in the wind, right into the window, and lands right on his feet! Even his fedora is still firmly in place.

"That's amazing!" he says. "Does it happen like that all the time?"

"Yep, I've done it many times," says the square-jawed man. He offers to hold the newcomer's drink while he tries it.

"Here goes nothing," the newbie says. He leans out the window and falls out of the building — and all the way to the street where he goes Splat! The man in the suit says "tsk tsk tsk" and drinks the man's cocktail.

"You know," the bartender finally says to the regular, "you're really a mean bastard when you're drunk, Superman."
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MONKEY BUSINESS

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."

The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. Then they never saw the man or his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.
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TRICKY NUN

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: first, you have to be single and second, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!

"OK," the nun says "Pull into the next alley."

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun. "Why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

"That's OK," the nun says. "My name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
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THE LURE OF FLESH

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:

   












He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and he drives on without second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which says:

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real.... Then he drives past a third sign saying:

   











His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

  











He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

The man is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

 

















© Sign Posts Created By K J Shenoy


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LAWYERS Vs ENGINEERS

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers.

"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.

They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train as departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, the lawyers buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.

When they board the train the three engineers cram into a restroom and the three lawyers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says,

"Ticket, please."
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CON - COUNTER CON FUN

A married couple are traveling by car from  Victoria to Prince George .  Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue, and decided to take a room.  But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'.  He insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains  that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for them to use.'

But we didn't use them," the husband said.

''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for   which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and  Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

”But we didn't go to any of those shows," the husband said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay.  As he didn't have the check book he asked his wife to write the check. She did and gave it to the Manager.  The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.  "But ma'am, this is only made out for $50.00."

''That's correct.  I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Don't mess with senior citizens.  They didn't get there by being stupid!
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