WAY TO HEAVEN

I was testing children in my Sunday School class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered in unison.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?"

Again, the answer was a unanimous "NO!"

"If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?"

Again, they all answered "NO!"

I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"

This time, there was no shout in unison. Finally, the silence was broken when a little boy shouted out, "You've got to be dead!"
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GROWN-UP LINGO

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. It was the first day of class, and the teacher told them now that they were in grade school, the rule is, "No baby talk!"

You need to use "Big People" words, she told them.

So with that clear, she began by asking John (not Johnny!) what he had done over summer vacation.

"We went to visit my Nana," he said.

"No," the teacher replied, "you went to visit your grandmother. No baby talk! Use 'Big People' words!"

She then asked Michelle what she had done over vacation.

"We took a ride on a choo-choo!" she replied.

"No," she said. "You took a ride on a train. You must remember to use 'Big People' words."

She then asked little Alex what he had done.

"I read a book," he replied.

"That's wonderful!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the Shit!"
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FUNNY EXCUSES

These are supposedly actual excuse notes from parents (including original spellings):
 My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

 Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
 
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan.28,29,30,31,32, and also 33.
 
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
 
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

 Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

 Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

 Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

 Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

 Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diahre dyrea direathe the shits.

 Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

 Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

 I kept Billie home to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

 Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

 Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

 My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

 Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

 Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

 Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

 Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
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CHILD PRODIGY

A Madam was having trouble with one of her students in 1st Grade class. Madam asked, "Boy. What is your problem?"

Boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 4th Grade!"

Madam had enough. She took the Boy to the principal's office. While the Boy waited in the outer office, madam explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Madam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed.

The Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Boy: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Boy: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 4th grade should know. The principal looks at Madam and tells her, "I think Boy can go to the 4th grade."

Madam says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him?" The principal and Boy both agreed.

Madam asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Boy, after a moment, "Legs."

Madam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

Boy: "Pockets."

Madam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Boy: Coconut

Madam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy was taking charge.

Boy: Bubblegum

Madam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...

Boy: Shake hands

Madam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

Boy: Tent

Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Vodka peg.

Boy: Wedding Ring

Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

Boy: Nose

Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Boy: Arrow

Madam: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?

Boy: Firetruck

Madam: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and if you don’t get it, you have to use your hand.

Boy: Fork

Madam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?

Boy: SURNAME.

Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping and is responsible for making love?

Boy: HEART.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,

"Send this Boy to Harvard… I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"
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DIRTY KISS

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lip stick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet seat, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers .......... and then there are educators.
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FUNNY ANGELS 2

Dead Photo


The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture..

'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'

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Vacant Attic


A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'

'Yes,' the class said.

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'

A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty..'

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Chocolate Freedom


The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

'Take only ONE . God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples..'

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FUNNY ANGELS 1

Heaven And Hell


A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'. 

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God's Face


A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'

The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like..'

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'

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Grey Sin


One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?'

Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'

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