DISAPPEARING ACT

A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress (taking another order at a table a few paces away) suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table until he was completely covered by the tablecloth.

Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

"Oh, but I'm not his wife," the woman said, still perfectly calm. "His wife just walked in the door."
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TURNED PIOUS

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat What changed your mind?

 "Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt not Commit Adultery I remembered where I left me hat."
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UNFORGETTABLE BIRTHDAY

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy birthday!", and possibly have a present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."

I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids came into breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane said, "Good morning, boss, Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "Thanks Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and i enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"

She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back."

"OK." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake... Followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.
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THE GREAT FALL

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well,everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.

About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about. Your wife fell FOUR TIMES this week.
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THE LURE OF FLESH

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:

   












He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and he drives on without second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which says:

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real.... Then he drives past a third sign saying:

   











His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

  











He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

The man is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

 

















© Sign Posts Created By K J Shenoy


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OF LAWYERS AND SCOTSMEN

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The previous year he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.

Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

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Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming, "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly? I can't button me pants."

"Oh Angus, I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it."

About 5 minutes later, there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling down the stairs.

Walking back in the door with a blackened eye and a bloody nose comes Angus. The little lady looks at him and says, "My god, what happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?"

"Aye," says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button, an she did, everything was goin' fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread, Mr MacDonald, her husband, walked in."
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SLAPPING ROBOT

A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner with the family.

"Son, where were you today?", asked dad.

The son says, "at school." Robot slaps the son! "OK, I watched a DVD at my buddies house!"

"Which one?", asks Dad.

"Toy Story." Robot slaps the son again! "OK, OK, it was a porn" cries the son.

"What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was," says the dad. Robot slaps the dad!

Mom laughs and says, "He's certainly your son." Robot slaps the mom!
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BLIND DATE

A guy on a date parks and gets the girl in the back seat and they make love. The girl wants it again and the guy obliges her.

She wants more and they do it again. She still wants more and the guy, by now exhausted, says:

“Excuse me a minute I have to relieve myself.”

While out of the car, he notices a guy a half a block away changing a flat. He goes up to the guy and says;

“Look, I’ve got this gal in my car and I’ve given it to her four or five times and she still wants more. I’ll change your flat if you’ll take over for me.”

The guy agrees. He jumps into the back of the car and starts to go at it with the woman. He’s just getting to the gravy strokes when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them. The cop asks, “What’re you doing in there?”

The guy says “ I’m making love to my wife.”

The cop asks, “Why don’t you do that at home?”

The guy answers “To tell you the truth, I didn’t know it was my wife until you shone the light on her.
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ACQUITTED

Two lawyers had been life long friends: they were partners and shared everything, including their hot-blooded secretary.

One day the secretary announced she was pregnant. They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when the child was born and provide all expenses thereafter.

The day of delivery arrived. Both the lawyers were at the hospital pacing the floor in the waiting room. Finally one of them said, "I can't take this, I'm going down to sit in my car and wait there. Please come down and tell me as soon as the child is born!"

The partner agreed to do that. About an hour later the partner approached the car with a very grave look on his face.

"What happened?" asked the waiting car occupant.

The other partner announced, "They were twins and mine died!"
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LONG TERM WIFE

A tired traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight. Very tired after a long day's trip he asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man notices a gorgeous woman sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm. 


Lying to the hotel clerk, he says, "Fancy meeting my 'wife' here. I'll need a double room for the night." 


The next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3,000. 


"What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here for one night!" 


"Yes," sniffs the clerk, "but your 'wife' has been here for three weeks!" 
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JOHNNY BAG IN RAIN

A woman was having a daytime affair while  her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with  her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull  into the driveway.
           
'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and  jump out the window. My husband's home early!'        
             
'I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining  out there!'
         
'If my husband catches us in here, he'll  kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the  rain is the least of your problems!'    
           
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs  his clothes and jumps out the  window!
         
As he ran down the street in the pouring  rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the  town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the  others, about 300 of them.
         
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under  his arm, he tried to blend  in as best he could. After a little  while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some  curiosity, jogged closer.
         
'Do you always run in the nude?' one  asked.
         
'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It  feels so wonderfully free!'  
         
Another runner moved alongside. 'Do you  always run carrying your clothes with you under your  arm?'    
             
'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly.  'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in  my car to go home!'
         
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little  lower and queried, 'Do you always wear a condom when you  run?'

'Nope....... ...just when it's  raining.
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ASKING FOR A RAISE

Trapped......                                               

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.' The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so...'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'

Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Señora...... the gardener did.'

(2 minutes silence)

Wife: '...So how much do you want?

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....And Escaped.....

When it comes to circumlocution, Alexander Haig, the former US State Secretary, takes the cake. Haig, a career diplomat turned politician, was once approached by one of his office clerks asking for a raise (in his salary). 


Without batting eyelid Mr. Haig said, "My dear son, because of the fluctuational predisposition of your position's productive capacity as juxtaposed to the Government standards, it would be momentarily injudicious to advocate an increment."

With utter incomprehension, the clerk said, " I don't get it." (meaning he didn't understand what Haig said). 


"That's right." replied Mr. Haig coolly.
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MOMMY ALL THE WAY

MOMMY'S MORAL                                          

The teacher gave an assignment to her fifth grade class : Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and money saved. But then the teacher realized that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy.

She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets,killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

"Stay away from Mommy when she's drunk."
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DADDY'S MIX-UP

Paddie was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.

"Ten quid . ." she whispers.

 He’d never been with a prostitute before, but he decides, it’s only a tenner. So they hide in the bushes.

They’re going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It’s a policeman. "What’s going on here, people?" asks the officer.

 "I’m making love to my wife!," he answers indignantly.

 "Oh, I’m sorry," says the cop, "I didn’t know."

"Well," he says, "neider did I, til you shined dat light in her face !!!
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HUSBAND AND WIFE JOKES

JUST DO IT

Warm-hearted wife: I am warning you. my husband will be home in an hour.

Mailman: But I am not doing anything.

Wife: That's why I am warning you. If you are going to do anything, you may better hurry.
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CAREFUL VISITOR

At 11 P M, the phone rang and the husband picked up the receiver. "Hello," said the husband. "No...No...., This is a house. Not the harbour office. You must have got the wrong number....it's alright."

"Who was it, dear?" asked the wife form the other side of the bed.

"Oh, it was nothing..." replied the husband."Must be some man from the ship. He was asking if the coast was clear."
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HIND SIGHT

Little boy kept circling his mom until she shouted in exasperation, "Stop it. What do you think you are doing?"

"Only checking if what pop said is true." said the boy.

"What did he say?" asked the curious mom.

"I heard pop talk to the maid," replied the son. "He told her: careful dear. My wife has eyes in the back of her head."
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DITTO HERE

Before going for a few days to her mother's, the jealous wife took her ten-year old son aside, gave him chocolate and told him, "Keep an eye on your father and the maid and let me know what they do."

On her return, she asked her son if there was anything to report. The son nodded. She dragged the boy before her husband and said, " You cheat. I got you this time. Son, now tell us what you saw dad do with the maid."

"The same as you do with the milkman when dad is away," replied the innocent son.
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DOUBLE GUILT

A sales man came home only once in six months. Then, on one night when he was home, both husband and wife had finished dinner and were sitting in the lounge reading. Suddenly there was a knock on the door.

"My husband!" exclaimed the woman, dropping her newspaper.

"Goodbye!" cried her man and leaped out of the back window.
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