STICKUP TRICK

A man burst into a crowded bank, ordered everyone into a corner, and then got his bag filled with packets of money.

But instead of running out, he approached the crowd of terrified customers. He picked out one and asked, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."

The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

"No sir, I sure didn't," the man replied. "But my wife did."
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DISAPPEARING ACT

A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress (taking another order at a table a few paces away) suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table until he was completely covered by the tablecloth.

Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

"Oh, but I'm not his wife," the woman said, still perfectly calm. "His wife just walked in the door."
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CRUMPLED CRUCIFIXION

A man is at home alone watching the football game when his wife gets home. She is looking especially nice, and there's a look about her that catches his eye. Besides: half-time had just started, so he muted the TV and gave her his full attention.

"Darling," she says, have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?"

Not sure if there's some sort of joke -- or maybe some seduction -- starting, the man plays along. "Well, no," he says.

She gives him a sexy seductive little smile, unbuttons the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reaches down into the cleavage created by a sexy, lacy, silky push-up bra, and pulls out a crumpled twenty dollar note.

He takes the crumpled bill and looks up to see what's next.

"Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?" she asks.

"No, I can't say that I have," he replies, playing along and warming to this little game.

She gives him another sexy, secretive, knowing little smile, slowly pulls up her tight little skirt higher and higher, and seductively reaches into her tight, sheer panties, and pulls out a crumpled fifty dollar note.

He takes the crumpled bill and is really looking forward to the next step is this fun little game.

"Now darling," she says, "have you ever seen 50 thousand dollars all crumpled up?"

"I sure haven't!" he says, turning off the TV.

"Well," she says, "have a look in the garage...."
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FIDELITY INDEX

A business man is packing for a trip. He glances in his briefcase, then calls to his wife.

"Honey."

"Yes, darling?" she replies.

"Honey," he says, in mild exasperation, "why do you persist in putting a condom in my briefcase every time I go on a trip? You know I only have eyes for you. I'd never be unfaithful."

"Oh, I know, darling, and I trust you," she replies sweetly, "It's just that, well you know, with all those terrible diseases out there, it would make me feel better to know that if anything did happen, you'd be protected. So please, darling, take it with you, won't you? For my sake?"

"Oh, alright, if you put it that way," he relented, "I'll do it for you. But...."

"Yes, dear?" she says.

"For heaven's sake," he says. "Give me more than one!"
*******************************************************

THE LUCKY MASK

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain. As it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Since her husband didn't know what her costume was since she had gotten them from the shop, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, even copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. She contained her anger and sidled up to him and, being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished -- and why not, since he was her husband?! Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang, still keeping their masks on.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Well, did you even get any dancing in?" she asked, knowing how much he enjoys dancing.

"Well, I have a confession to make, honey," he says. Here we go, she thinks. "Sweetie, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I saw Pete, Bill and Johnny, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you: the guy I loaned my costume says he sure had a good time!"
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THE CHASTITY BELT

An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness.

The doctor sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. You'd best put your affairs in order."

O'Malley was shocked, but being a solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room, where his son was waiting.

"Well, Son," O'Malley said, "We Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer. Let's head to the pub and have a few pints."

After 3 or 4 pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and some more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's friends who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

O'Malley told them they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple of more beers.

After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you told me that you were dying of cancer, but you just told your friends that you were dying of AIDS!"

"It's like this, m'boy," O'Malley said. "I don't want any of them bastards sleeping with your mother after I am gone."
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WHAT DADDY DID

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and...

"... then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
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THE WRONG CHOICE

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband Bill was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs.

Bill was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw Bill wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" Bill asked.

"Yes, I do," she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember."

"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or spend twenty years in jail'"

"Yes, I do," she said.

Bill wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know . . .had I accepted his other option, I would have gotten out today."
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MAN Vs GORILLA

A married couple at the zoo walk past the gorilla enclosure.

Says the woman, 'Mark, do you know gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior? Look, since no one’s around and looking, I'll expose one of my breasts to it and see how horny it gets just as men do.'

Mary then exposes one of her breasts and sure enough, the gorilla gets excited and grabs the bars of the enclosure and shakes them as if it wanted to break out.

'See...' says the woman, 'That’s why you react the way you do. Men just can't control their animal instincts-just like gorillas!'

Says Mark, 'OK, now expose both breasts and let’s see what happens...'

The woman exposes both her breasts to the gorilla and it gets very excited and desperately tries to break out of the enclosure.

'That’s incredible!’ says Mark. 'Now, pull your down your jeans, turn around and expose your butt and let’s see what happens....'

The woman pulls down her jeans, turns around with her butt to the gorilla, which by now is extremely aroused. It breaks out of the enclosure, grabs the woman and starts yanking off her clothes.

The woman yells, 'Mark, what should I do now? HELP’.

Mark replies, 'Now, tell him you have a headache. Let’s see if gorillas and men are really the same '
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UNFORGETTABLE BIRTHDAY

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy birthday!", and possibly have a present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."

I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids came into breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane said, "Good morning, boss, Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "Thanks Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and i enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"

She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back."

"OK." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake... Followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.
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HOME FOR DINNER

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS?!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who has given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."
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LOST?

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball - stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"
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SENIOR CITIZEN JOKES

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel answered, "I have a suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

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An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . please advise."

The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."
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IRISH HUMOR

Wrong Weapon

Into a Dublin pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.


"What happened to you?" asks Robert, the bartender.   


"Jamie McConnough and me had a fight," says Paddy.


"That little shit, McConnough," says Sean, "he couldn't do that to you,   he must have had something in his hand."


"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."


"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"


"That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. McConnough's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
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 Half Baby

'Wake up,' said Murphy. 'The baby's crying. It wants feeding.'

'Well, you feed it,' said his wife. 

'It's your son.' 

'Yes,' spluttered Murphy. 'But he's half yours.' '

I know,' smiled the missus. 'But it's your half that's crying!'

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THE WIFEY THING

Why are wives more dangerous than the Mafia? The mafia wants either our money or life... The wives want both!

====

Marriage is like a public toilet Those waiting outside are desperate to get in & Those inside are desperate to come out.

====

No Man Can Ever Be Satisfied
with 4 things in life.
(1) Mobile
(2) A utomobile
(3) TV
(4) Wife
Because there is always a better model in neighborhood.

===

Searching these keywords on Google 'How to tackle wife?' Google search result, 'Good day sir, Even we are searching'.

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Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right. It only means that the safety of your head is much more important than your ego!

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Imagine living with 3 wives in one compound and never leaving the house for 5 years.Osama Bin Laden must have called the US Navy Seals himself!

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Whisky is a brilliant invention. One double and you start feeling single again.

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A friend recently explained why he refuses to get to married. He says the wedding rings look like miniature handcuffs.

===

It takes thousand workers 2 build a castle, Million soldiers to protect a country, but just One woman 2 make a Happy Home --------- A Good Maid!

===

Funny quote on a husband's T-Shirt:
All girls are devils,
but my wife is the queen
--
--
--
--
--
--
of them
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WOMANLY HUMOR

Horrible Future                                                                         

Jennifer visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:


"There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman’s lined face, then, at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.

How could she go, without knowing?

She simply had to know.

She met the fortune teller’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked,"Will I be acquitted?"

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1 A M Lecture                                                                            

An elderly man was stopped by the police at 1 a.m.

The officer asked, "Where are you going at this hour of the night?"

"I'm going to a lecture on the subject of alcohol abuse and the effects that it has on the human body."

"Oh really!’, and who is giving this lecture at 1 o'clock in the morning?"

*"That would be my wife"................
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WEDGED IN WEDDED LIFE

HUSH TALK
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Then one day the man realised that he needed his wife to wake him at 5.00 am to catch an early flight. Not wanting to be the first one to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me up at 5.00 am."

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover that it was 9.00 am, and that he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed which read, "It is 5.00 am; wake up."
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REGRETS
A husband was heard to confess that in the early months of his marriage he was so much in love with his wife that he wanted to eat her. And as the years rolled by, he increasingly regretted that he had not.
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SAVED BY WEATHER
Rekha screamed at her husband for over 20 minutes. Finally, he exclaimed, "That's it! I am fed up. I am leaving!"

"Oh!" cried the wife. "Where are you going?"

"Where I will never bother you again," replied the husband. "A place far away from here. A place in the jungles where I will not bother about life or death. Or into the stormy seas....."

He opened the door and looked out. Then he shut it and said, "It is lucky for you that it is raining. I have deferred my plans."
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HAPPY NEWS
"I am afraid Mrs Prabhu, your husband will never be able to work again," said the doctor sadly.

"I'll go in and tell him. It might cheer him up," replied Mrs Prabhu.
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BETTER (H)EAR
Wife(whispering in her husband's ear): Darling, may I have Rs 500 for a sari?

Husband: I can't hear so well in that ear, dear. Please come around to the other side.

Wife(into the other ear): Honey, may I have Rs 1000 to buy a sari?

Husband: Come around to the Rs 500 side again.
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HUBBY WIFEY JOKES

TRUANT HUSBAND

"For years," said Mrs Smith, "I didn't know where my husband spent his evenings. And one night I got home early, and there he was: at home."
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POP FIGHT

A female social worker knocked at the door of a house, attracted by what sounded like a family quarrel inside. A little boy opened the door.

"What's the matter?" asked the visitor. "Parents fighting?" The boy nodded.

"Who is your father?" asked the social worker again.

"That's precisely what they are fighting about," replied the boy.
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QUITE SHOCKING

A wife asked her husband, "Last year for Christmas, we sent my mother a chair. What do you think we ought to do this year?"

The husband answered, "Electrify last year's chair."
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NUMBER GAME

Law teacher: If a person has several wives, what do you call it?

Pupil: Polygamy.

Teacher: If a person has two wives?

Pupil: Bigamy.

Teacher: And if a person has one wife?

Pupil: Monotony.
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SPEECH THERAPY

The doctor shook his head. "I am afraid," he told the woman, "I can't cure your husband of talking in his sleep."

"I don't want you to cure him,"she replied. "Just make him talk more distinctly."
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THERMOGAG

A man took his wife to the doctor. The medic jammed a thermometer in her mouth. "Now," he said, "keep your mouth shut for five minutes."

The husband gazed at the tiny glass tube with fascination. "Where can I buy that thing, doc?" he asked.
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HUSBAND AND WIFE JOKES

JUST DO IT

Warm-hearted wife: I am warning you. my husband will be home in an hour.

Mailman: But I am not doing anything.

Wife: That's why I am warning you. If you are going to do anything, you may better hurry.
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CAREFUL VISITOR

At 11 P M, the phone rang and the husband picked up the receiver. "Hello," said the husband. "No...No...., This is a house. Not the harbour office. You must have got the wrong number....it's alright."

"Who was it, dear?" asked the wife form the other side of the bed.

"Oh, it was nothing..." replied the husband."Must be some man from the ship. He was asking if the coast was clear."
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HIND SIGHT

Little boy kept circling his mom until she shouted in exasperation, "Stop it. What do you think you are doing?"

"Only checking if what pop said is true." said the boy.

"What did he say?" asked the curious mom.

"I heard pop talk to the maid," replied the son. "He told her: careful dear. My wife has eyes in the back of her head."
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DITTO HERE

Before going for a few days to her mother's, the jealous wife took her ten-year old son aside, gave him chocolate and told him, "Keep an eye on your father and the maid and let me know what they do."

On her return, she asked her son if there was anything to report. The son nodded. She dragged the boy before her husband and said, " You cheat. I got you this time. Son, now tell us what you saw dad do with the maid."

"The same as you do with the milkman when dad is away," replied the innocent son.
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DOUBLE GUILT

A sales man came home only once in six months. Then, on one night when he was home, both husband and wife had finished dinner and were sitting in the lounge reading. Suddenly there was a knock on the door.

"My husband!" exclaimed the woman, dropping her newspaper.

"Goodbye!" cried her man and leaped out of the back window.
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