THE DIMWIT LOCUM

Old Doc McTavish had a slow schedule, and a hankering to go golfing. But by the time he decided to go, his office assistant, Seamus, had already booked three appointments -- right in the middle of the day. Doc McTavish came up with a plan.

"Seamus," he said, "I can't cancel the appointments, so I want you to see the three patients."

"Yes, sir!" the always obedient Seamus replied.

The doctor has a great round of golf, and then rushes back to the office to see how things went.

"How did things go?" the anxious medic asks his assistant.

"The first patient had a headache, so I gave him Tylenol."

"Bravo, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Maalox, sir," says Seamus.

"Excellent! You're good at this! And what about the third one?" he asks.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a beautiful young woman burst through. Like a flame, she undressed herself, taking off everything, and she lay down on the table. She spread her legs and shouted: 'HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!'"

"Fierce, Seamus!" said the astounded doctor. "What did ye do? for that one?"

"I gave her eye drops!"
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TANTRUM KID

The parents of a little boy were concerned because they couldn't get him to eat. After a couple of days of this, the frantic parents took the boy to a child psychologist. Tantrum Kid After hearing the story, the psychologist sent the parents away so he could work his magic on the kid. He tried tempting the boy with a wide variety of foods and treats, but the boy refused to eat. Finally in exasperation, the psychologist finally asked the boy, "Well what do you want to eat?"

The boy, sitting defiantly with his arms crossed, thinks a moment, then says in a surly voice, "Worms!"

Intent on not being beaten, the child psychologist calmly reaches over to the intercom and instructs his secretary to go out and buy some worms. In short order the boy was presented with a heaping plate of worms.

Arms still crossed, the boy demanded, "I want them fried!" The secretary was sent out again, and eventually returned with a heaping plate of fried worms.

"I only want one!" the boy demanded. The psychologist calmly pushed aside all of the worms but one.

"You have to eat half!" the boy demanded. After a moment's pause, the psychologist cuts the worm in half, grabs a piece with a florish, and pops it into his mouth.

Immediately the boy started to cry.

"What's wrong now?" demanded the exasperated psychologist.

Between sobs, the kid yells: "You ate my half!"
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THE CODE WORD

There's nothing worse than a "sarcastic" doctor's receptionist who insists that you tell her what is wrong while in a room full of other patients. I know you all have experienced this, and here's the way one old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.

The receptionist became obviously irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and then discussed your problem further with the doctor, in private."

The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then reentered the room. The receptionist smiled smugly and said, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, acknowledging he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
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BREAST EXAMINATION

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the Doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The Doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast - fed" she replied.

"Strip down to your waist," he said.

She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight, you don't have any milk."

"I know I don’t," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm sure glad I came."
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CHINESE WISDOM

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc".

The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis".

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".

The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice".

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease".

The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta,always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!"

"Oh, Thank God!", the man replies.

"Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save money"
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BUTT IN BUTT

A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy.

“When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your ass. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others in such a fashion as you can’t tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious: you won’t dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar.”

“Thanks doc, I’ll try it.”

And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again.

“What? My recommendation didn’t work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours!”

“Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction,” said the patient.

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Well, I don’t smoke cigars anymore, but now I can’t go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass.”

“You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.” 
- Emo Phillips 

GENEROUS ANALYST

"Mr. Chilton," the analyst said, "I think this will be your last visit."

"Does that mean I'm cured?" he asked.                                        

"For all practical purposes, yes," said the doctor. "I think we can safely say that your kleptomania is now under control. You haven't stolen anything in two years, and you seem to know where the kleptomania came from."

"Well, that's terrific, Doctor. Before I go, I'd like to tell you something. Although our relationship is strictly professional, it's been one of the most rewarding of my life. I wish I could do something to repay you for helping me."

"You've paid my fee," the doctor said. "That's the only responsibility you have."

"I know," Chilton said. "But isn't there some personal favor I could do for you?"

"Well," the doctor said, "I'll tell you what. If you ever suffer a relapse, my son could use a nice portable color television."
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DOCTORS’ STORIES

 A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife is going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that there are several cabs and I was in the wrong one.


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 A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She asked, "Do you have Viagra?" "Yes," he answered. She asked, "Does it work?" "Yes," he answered. "Can you get it over the counter?" she asked. "I can if I take two," he answered.
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I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked. He was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

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One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
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At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," the patient said sadly.

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WOULDN'T LIFT A FINGER

Ted’s working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He rushes to the emergency room at the local hospital.

The ER doctor says, “Wow! that’s pretty bad. Don’t worry, give me the fingers, and I’ll see what I can do.”

Ted says, “I haven’t got the fingers.”

The doctor says, “What do you mean, you haven’t got the fingers! This is a modern hospital, we’ve got highly trained micro surgeons and all kinds of incredible techniques. We could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn’t you bring the fingers?”

Ted says, “Well, shit, Doc, I tried but I couldn’t pick ‘em up.”
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MY FUNNY DOCTOR

Let me tell you about my doctor. He's very good! If you tell him you want a second opinion, He'll go out and come in again.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years Before he realized she was Chinese.
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Another time, he gave a patient six months to live. At the end of the six months, the patient hadn't paid his bill, So, the doctor gave him another six months.
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While he was talking to me, his nurse came in and said, "Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he's invisible." The doctor said, "Tell him I can't see him."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
One patient came in and said, "Doctor, I have a serious memory problem." The doctor asked, "When did it start?" The man replied, "When did what start?"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places, He told me to stop going to those places.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
You know, doctors can be so frustrating. You wait a month and a half for an appointment, Then he says, "I wish you had come to me sooner."

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MED JOKES BOUQUET

GIFT

Patient : Doctor, do you think I am gifted for conversation?

Doctor : No, but I'll give you one if you stop talking.
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BULLET PROBE

Army Patient : Everyday you probe my wound. You don't know how you hurt me, doctor.

Doctor : Well, I must try to find the bullet.

Army Patient : Oh, hell! Why didn't you say so before? I had it in my pocket all the time!
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DOC IN DOCK

Doctor : My dear madam, You have come to me at the right time.

Patient: Why doctor? Are you broke?
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FAMILIAL 

Doctor : It appears your disease is hereditary.

Patient : Thank you, doctor. You may send the bill to my grandfather.
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TIMINGS

Doctor : Don't you know that my office hours are from four to seven in the evening ?

Patient : Yes, I do. But the snake that bit me didn't.
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CARING FRIENDS

Doctor : I suggest that you must keep off relations with your husband.

Mrs Jones : For how long?

Doctor : At least for one year.

Mrs Jones : Oh, that's quite easy. Any of my friends will take care of me that long !
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DOCS IN DOCK

The doctor asks, `What can I do for you?`

The man says, `Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?`

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, `There`s absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.` He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, `I`m sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?`

The old man says, `We`re not trying to find out anything. She`s married and we can`t go to her house. I`m married and we can`t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare...!
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A guy burned both of his ears... so they were asking him at the hospital how it happened.

He said, `I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang... So, instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear...`

`But how the heck did you burn the other ear?` The doctor asked.

`They called back.`
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A guy goes to see a doctor and when they get into the private room the doctor says tothe patient, `What seems to be the problem?`

The patient answers, `You have to promise not to laugh.`

The doctors said fine, and the patient pulls down his pants and the doctor tried not to laugh at his small penis.

The doctor managed to ask, `What`s the problem?`

The patient then said, `It`s swollen.`
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SECOND OPINION

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.' The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see.... size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
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DOCTOR HUMOR

MODEL MECHANIC
A doctor is talking to a car mechanic, "Your fee is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care."

"Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month."
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VACANCY
Patient: Doctor, what does the X-ray of my head show?

Doctor: Absolutely nothing!
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DEAD ALREADY
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.

Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?

Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
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BATTERED HUBBY
David: My wife beats me, doctor.

Doctor: Oh dear. How often?

David: Every time we play Scrabble!
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BANKED!
Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses.

Teller: You certainly do! This is a bank.
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STIRRING BILL
Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription?

Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill.
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MORE DOCTOR JOKES

IGNORED
A patient walks into a doctor's office.

Patient: Doctor, people ignore me.

Doctor: Next!
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MUSICAL SURGERY
A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands.

"Doctor," says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. "Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?"

"I don't see why not," replies the doctor.

"That's funny," says the man. "I wasn't able to play it before."
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BEWARE
Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 1,000 bones in the human body?

Larry: Shhh, doctor! There are three dogs outside in the waiting room!
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SMART KID
Mary: My daughter believes in preventative medicine, doctor.

Doctor: Oh, really?

Mary: Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her take it!
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STOLEN
Doctor: Did you take the patient's temperature?

Nurse: No. Is it missing?
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FILE OR FOLDER?
Patient: Doctor, should I file my nails?

Doctor: No! Throw them away like everybody else.
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BILL FIGHT
Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription?

Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill.
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DOCTOR JOKES

COINED STORY
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten coins last night?

Nurse: No change yet.
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SHARE DOCTOR
Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up five more points?

Doctor: Sell!
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PIECEMEAL DOCTOR
Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!

Doctor: I am, bit by bit.
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WHOSE DRINK?
As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."

"In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober"
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MR X IN CLINIC
Nurse: Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room.
Doctor: Tell him I can't see him now. Next.
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IMPATIENT PATIENT
Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.

Doctor: Tell me about your problem.

Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid fool!!
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LONG LIFE
Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?

Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.
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