THE FACELIFT

A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy a paper. Before leaving, she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," the clerk replies.

"I turned 47 yesterday," the woman says happily, and then moves to her next stop.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and, upon getting her order, asks the counter girl the same question. She replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope, I turned 47 yesterday!" Now she is feeling really good about herself.

While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is starting to go. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell exactly how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands up your shirt and feel your boobs."

They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says, "What the hell, go ahead." The old man slips both hands up her shirt, under her bra, and begins to feel around. After a couple of minutes she says, "OK already: how old am I?" He removes his hands and says, "You are 47 years and one day old."

"That is amazing!" the stunned the woman says. "How did you know?"

The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
******************************************************************************

HOW TO LOSE WEIGHT

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day/10-lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20-lb. program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me." Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze. So, for the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies. "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a fat lady weighing 500 pounds standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine."
**********************************************************************************