COURTROOM HOWLERS

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. .......
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ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan! ........
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ..........
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JUDGE: "The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant, sir?"

DEFENDANT: "No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens."
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FUN AT COURT

MUSICAL JUSTICE

The judge frowned when he looked at the defendant and demanded, "Haven't I seen that face of yours before?"

"Yes, you have, your honour," said the defendant hopefully. "I gave your daughter music lessons last year."

"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Seven years rigorous imprisonment with no appeal."
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BAR IN THE BAR

There was pandemonium in the court just as a drunken criminal was being brought to the witness-box.

The annoyed judge hit his gavel on the table and shouted, "Order....Order."

The delighted drunk looked at the judge and said, "For me whis...whisky with soda, please."
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SELF DEFENCE

Judge: Just as the clock struck the hour, you took a hammer and smashed the clock. Why shouldn't I punish you for vandalism?

Defendant: Your honour, I did it in self-defence.

Judge: Why do you say that?

Defendant: Because the clock struck first.
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EARLY BIRD

Judge: Have you been up before me earlier?

Prisoner: I don't know, judge. What time do you get up?
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CHAIR MAN

Judge: When two men were fighting with chairs, did you try to establish peace?

Witness: I intended to do so, your honour. But I couldn't find a third chair.
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GAS MONEY

Half way through the cross-examination, the village feudal lord sitting inside the witness-box farted loudly.

The incensed judge said, "You are fined $ 10 for contempt of court. Pay up right now."

As the court clerk approached the witness-box to collect the money, the village feudal lord handed him a  100 dollar bill and said, " You can keep this for now. I am likely to fart more before this hearing is through. We can settle the account later."
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BAKE A CAKE

Defendant: I had baked a cake with my own hands specially for my husband. What wrong did I do, your honour?

Judge: A case of assault with a dangerous weapon. Three months.
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