LAUGH TILL YOU DROP

Said to a railroad engineer:

What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.

The reply from the railroad engineer:
How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?
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Patient: Doctor, I think that I've been bitten by a vampire.

Doctor: Drink this glass of water.

Patient: Will it make me better?

Doctor: No, I but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks.
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A: Why are all those people running?

B: They are running a race to get a cup.

A: Who will get the cup?

B: The person who wins.

A: Then why are all the others running?
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Father: What did you do today to help your mother?
Son: I dried the dishes
Daughter: And I helped pick up the pieces.
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"I was born in California."

"Which part?"

"All of me."
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Bank Teller: How do you like the money?

English Student: I like it very much.
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Teacher: Why are you late?

Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.

Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?

Student: No. I was standing on it.
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Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?

Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom?

Little Johnny: But I asked first!
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PUPIL: "Would you punish me for something I didn’t do?"

TEACHER:" Of course not."

PUPIL: "Good, because I haven’t done my homework."
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A: Why are you crying?

B: The elephant is dead.

A: Was he your pet?

B: No, but I'm the one who must dig his grave.
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