PHONE-Y HUMOUR

There was a simple and little Hindu priest who lived in Mathura. Once he had the chance to go visit the Pope at the Vatican in Italy. After travelling to the Vatican, he walked up the steps and through the halls of the opulent building where the Pope stayed. He looked in awe at the beautiful marble floors and majestic columns.

Then he came into the Pope’s office and he greeted the Pope who was seated behind his desk. The little Hindu priest sat nearby and they exchanged pleasantries. Then the Hindu priest noticed a red phone sitting at the end of the desk. So the Hindu priest asked what it was.

“Oh, that’s my hotline to God,” replied the Pope. “Whenever things get too difficult and I need to have a personal talk with God, I give Him a call.”

“Oh,” said the priest. “Would you mind if I tried it?”

“No, not at all,” the Pope responded.

So the little Hindu priest picked up the phone, dialed the number, and sure enough, he got through to God. So he offered his respects and prayers, said he was very happy to talk to Him, and then hung up the phone after only five minutes. He was a simple priest and did not have much more to say to God. He then thanked the Pope for the privilege of using the special red phone.

The Pope replied, “Oh that is quite all right. By the way, that will be $75.”

“Seventy-five dollars?” inquired the Hindu priest.

“Oh yes,” said the Pope. “You know, long distance charges. It’s a long way from here to God, you know.”

So the priest pulled out his wallet and gave the pope the seventy-five dollars.

Several months later, the Pope had the opportunity to visit India, and it was arranged for him to come to Mathura and visit the little Hindu priest. So the Pope approached the little hut of the Hindu priest, ducking his head as he walked through the door. He sat in a chair in front of the little table where the Hindu priest was pleased to again meet the Pope. They exchanged greetings when the Pope noticed the same kind of red phone on the priest’s table as he had at the Vatican. So the Pope asked what that was.

“Why, I also have a hotline to God,” replied the Hindu priest.

“Do you mind if I use it?” asked the Pope. “I really have a lot on my mind.”
“Please do,” responded the priest.

So the Pope got on the phone and got a good connection and managed to get through to God. He offered his prayers, but then had many things to discuss. He talked about the trouble in the Vatican, the difficulties with the priests and legal charges in the United States, the changing attitudes of the congregation in England and Europe, and so on. Fifteen minutes went by, then a half-hour, then finally after nearly an hour he was able to put the phone down.

Then he said, “Thank you very much. I feel a lot better now. I had so much to talk about. By the way, how much will that be?”

The Hindu priest thought a moment and then said, “Two rupees.”

“What,” the Pope replied, surprised at how inexpensive it was. “Why so cheap?”

“Why don’t you know?” asked the little Hindu priest. “Here it is a local call.”
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PRIVACY, MY FOOT

Operator:  Thank you for calling Pizza Hut . May I have your...

Customer: Helloo, can I order..

Operator: Can I have your multi-identity card number first, Sir?

Customer:  It's eh..., hold..........on......889861356102049998-45-54610

Operator: OK... you're... Mr Singh and you're calling from 17 Jalan Kayu. Your home number is 4094! 2366, your office 76452302 and your mobile is 0142662566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?

Customer:  Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?

Operator:  We are connected to the system Sir

Customer: May I order your Seafood Pizza...

Operator : That's not a good idea Sir

Customer: How come?

Operator : According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir

Customer: What?.... What do you recommend then?

Operator : Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it

Customer: How do you know for sure?

Operator : You borrowed a book entitled 'Popular Hokkien Dishes' from the National Library last week Sir

Customer: OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then, how much will that cost?

Operator : That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is $49.99

Customer: Can I pay by credit card?

Operator : I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank $3,720.55 since October last year. That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir.

Customer: I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives

Operator : You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today

Customer: Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?

Operator : About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle...

Customer:What!

Operator : According to the details in system ,you own a Scooter,...registration number 1123...

Customer:????

Operator : Is there anything else Sir?

Customer: Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?

Operator : We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic.......

Customer:#$$^%&$@$% ^ tum kidere.....abe dyega... neye!!!!!!!..............

Operator :Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman...?
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A DOGGIE PHONE HUMOR

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog... or senile lady.  He climbed the telephone pole at the front of her house, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog chained up in the front yard yelped and moaned... and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain
and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that SOME problems CAN be fixed by moaning aloud and pissing on them!
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