STEVEN WRIGHT DRY HUMOR

I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information.

She said, "Hello, Information."

I said, "I can't find my socks."

She said, "They're behind the couch."

And they were!

******************************************************************

A while ago, I went skiing in England. It was a rare package: two weeks in England, one night in Connecticut, two weeks in England.

I said, "Yes, I'll take it." I got on this chairlift with this guy I didn't know. We went halfway up the mountain without saying a word.

Then he turned to me and said, "You know, this is the first time I've gone skiing in ten years."

I said, "Why did you take such a long time off?"

He said, "I was in prison. Want to know why?"

I said, "Not really...Well, okay, you better tell me why."

He said, "I pushed a total stranger off a Ferris wheel."

I said, "I remember you."

******************************************************************

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign.

He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?"

I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

******************************************************************

The other day somebody stole everything in my apartment and replaced it with an exact replica...

When my roommate came home I said, "Roommate, someone stole everything in our apartment and replaced it with an exact replica."

He looked at me and said, "Do I know you?"

*****************************************************************

I went down to the store and bought some blank cassette tapes. When I got home I put one in my cassette deck and turned it up full blast. I was walking around my house when I heard a knock on my door.

It was my neighbor complaining about the noise...

He's a mime.

*****************************************************************

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other.

One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?"

****************************************************************